
HANLEY’S REVISED 


POLITICAL PRIMER 


of this Republic should read this book. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 


Everyone interested in the welfare 
























t 



\ 


/ 










% 
















HANLEY’S REVISED 
POLITICAL PRIMER 



EVENING JOURNAL, WASHINGTON, IOWA 







COPYRIGHT 1912 BY THE 

AUTHOR, PETER J, HANLEY 


ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 




HANLEY’S REVISED 

POLITICAL PRIMER 


A WORK EXPLAINING PRESENT 
POLITICAL CONDITIONS 


BY 

PETER J. HANLEY 

I » 



ILLUSTRATED 









DEDICATED TO THE 

CAUSE OF DEMOCRACY 





•> 


Q 

V 


CCI.A320270 

/ 








.. h m 


mmrnm 




© > ; 


M 


r 













< 






.2 


















* ' 







PREFACE 


> 


I bave written this book for the general welfare of 
tbe people of this Republic, believing that “The Era of 
Corruption’ (which Lincoln predicted would come) is now 
here, and has been here for the twelve years last passed; and 
that the Octopus, Greed and Corruption, has become so 
potent, that the people realizing the power of the Octopus, 
and underestimating their own power fear to undertake 
the task of freeing themselves from the tentacles of that 
Octopus, and have been putting off the time of reckoning 
with said Octopus; and are in danger of putting off the 
day of reckoning with it; until it will have such a grip 
on the people, and the Nation; that all of liberty will be 
lost. 

This book is intended to disillusion the people con¬ 
cerning the power of that Octopu.s at this time; and to 
awaken the people before it is too late, to a sense of their 
duties as Freemen, and citizens of this Republic; and to 
belp bring the people to a sense of their impending danger, 
and to try to instill a sufficient amount of sand into their 
■systems,; to give them the nerve to assert their rights of 
suffrage as freemen, at the November election in 1912. 

PETER J. HANLEY, 
Attorney-at-Law, Washington, Iowa. 


HANLEY’S REVISED 

POLITICAL PRIMER 


POPULAR EDITION 


Price.. .25 c 

Sewed Cover.50c 

Cloth.....$1.00 

Leather ...$ 1 .50 


Address all orders to 

Peter J. Hartley 

Washington, 

Iowa. 


Remit with. Order 








HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER 


POLITICAL ALPHABET, 


stands for the Annanias Club 
Invented by Teddy, 

To which he admits, stand-patters 
Whenever he gets ready. 


stands for Bad Actor 

For Big Stick, and Bluff, 
To fill the Presidential Chair 
Teddy thinks he’s the stuff. 


stands for the Common People 
Whom the trusts Bluff and Fool, 
But We’ll elect Woodrow Wilson 
Then the People will rule. 


stands for danger 
And also for dirt, 
W 7 hich Teddy will do us 
Unless we’re alert. 


stands for the Elephant 

Which the stand-patters slew. 
At the Chicago Convention 
Before they got through. 





io 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


p. stands for the Farmer 

Who feeds the whole race, 

The Tariff will be raised 
Till it eats up his place. 

stands for good times 

Which have fled from the land, 
Becau.se of the raids 

Of the Plunderbund Band. 

j-| # stands for my Dear Mr. Harriman 
Who put up the stuff, 

To insure the election 
Of a gigantic Bluff. 

Stands for inhuman 
And also for the inning, 

Which the stand-patters had, 

In the Teddy Bear skinning. 

J # .stands for Justice 

In which the people believe, 

And which “The Interests” are afraid 
They are about to receive. 

K. stands for kickers 

In the Republican ranks, 

Whom the stand-patters claim 
Are Roosevelt cranks. 

\ 

stands for some features 
Of Teddy’s great show. 

Whom he captured in Africa 
Some three years ago. 




HANLEY'S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


11 



stands for money 
Of various kinds, 

For the purpose of winning 
And to change votor’s minds. 

^ stands for nothing 

What the Republicans have done. 
Except that for the Democrats 
They have made plenty of fun. 

O. »s,tands for Ornery 

Who uses his powers, 

To thank the G. 0. Party 

For the sunshine, and showers. 

p stands for political papsucker 

Who understands graft, 

And will work night, and day 
For the election of Taft. 






HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER 


stands for Queer 
The farmer who votes, 
For a high tariff duty 
On his corn, and his oats. 


stands for rackets 
On which Teddy feeds, 
Two squares and a racket 
Is all that he needs. 


stands; for the stand-patters 
Who play politics for graft, 

They kicked out the Progressive planks, 
And then put up Taft. 


stands for Teddy 
Who hunted big game, 
In the jungles of Africa 
To recover his fame. 


stands for unrest 
Which is abroad in the land, 
Because of the tactics 
Of the Plutocrat Band. 


stands for verdant 

Who was scared, and afraid, 
That if the people would rule 
Hard times would be made. 


stahds for Watterson 

Who has wheels in his head, 
And he can’t understand 
Why Bryan's not dead, 




HANLEY'S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


13 


X. stands for Xerxes 

A law giver of Old, 

Who was a very strong and radical 
So I am told. 



Y stands for yonder 

Across the big slough, 
Where Teddy hunted lions 
To put in his Zoo. 

Z stands for zenith 

Which Teddy has passed, 
He has shone rather warmly 
But he’s setting at last. 





14 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


LESSON II. 
The Lark. 


LARK 

MY 

THE 


The lark is up to meet the tsun 
And Taft is on the, wing 
The trusts their labors have begun, 
Wall Street with music rings. 


UP 

HASTE 

LET 


LESSON I. 

Hop Run Boy 

La Follette, can you hop? 

Yes Teddy, I can hop so far. 

How far can you hop, Teddy? 

Why I can hop as far as the White House. 
Now Let us hop. 












HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


15 


Shall trusts and combines all be wise, 
While I my moments waste? 


O let me with the morning rise 
And to my voting haste. 



PETITION 


STANDPATTER 

INJUNCTION 

LABORINGMAN 

JUDGMENT 


NOTICE 

VOTER 

ENJOIN 


ORIGINAL NOTICE. In the District Court of 


the State of Trustville 
and for Stand-Pat Coun¬ 
ty. 


The Interests, Plaintiffs, 
vs. 

The Laboring Men, 

Defendants. ^ 


November Term, 1912. 


To the Laboring Man: 

You, and each of you, are hereby notified, that there 
is now on file in the office of the Clerk of the District 
Court of the State of Trustville in and for Stand-Pat 
county, the petition of the plaintiff in the above entitled 
(ause asking for a permanent injunction against you 
and each of you, permanently restraining and enjoining 
you, and each of you, from voting the Democratic tick¬ 
et, and for judgment again,st you for the costs of this 
action, and that unless you appear thereto and defend 
before noon on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in 
November, 1912, default will be entered against you and 
judgment and decree rendered, granting said permanent 
injunction, as prayed for in plaintiff’s petition, and also 
for judgment for the costs of this action. 

Dated this 29th day of November, 1903. 


BLUFFER & BULLDOZER, 
Attorneys; for the Plaintiff. 





HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


LESSON IV. 

Teddy and His Little Hear 


SNOW 

TEDDY 

PANIC 

THIS 

PLACE 


BEARS 


KINGDOM 

MILLION 


EVERY 

LIONS 


1. Teddy had a little bear 

Its fleece was white as snow, 

And every place that Teddy went 
The bear was sure to go. 

2. This little bear had a kingdom 

From Maine westward to the coast, 

Of fifty million subjects 

This King Teddy Bear, could boast. 

3. He followed Ted to Wall Street once, 

Which was against the rule, 

And a husky Wall Street panic bear 
Cleaned up the little fool. 

4. When the subjects heard their king was dead 

They wept both day and night. 

Then an epidemic struck them 
And killed them all outright. 

5. Thus this kingdom passed away, 

And this noble race of bears 
Has gone to the happy hunting grounds 
Where they have no panic scares. 

6. Poor Teddy tshed some bitter tears 

At the passing of this, race 
And concluded, with some lions, 

To start a kingdom in its place. 

7. So, now he’s off for Africa, 

He has purchased great big boots, 

And the papers will be full about 
The lions Teddy shoots.. 



HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


17 


OCTOPUS 
STAIRS 
GREAT 
FACTORY 
FULL 

THE OCTOPUS AND THE GUY. 

1. Will you walk into my parlor, 

Said the Octopus to the Guy, 

’Tis the prettiest little parlor 
That ever you did spy. 

2. The way into my parlor 

Is up a winding stair, 

And I have many pretty things 
To shew you while you’re there. 

3. I have a great big dinner pail 

Which is just chuck full of meat, 

And every other good thing 

Which a man would care to eat. 

4. I have a great big factory 

Which will run both night and day, 
And to the man who votes for Taft, 

Big wages I will pay. 

5. No, no, said the little Guy, 

I do not care to go, 

I intend to vote for Bryan 
For that’s my only show. 

6. There is one thing, said the Octopus, 

I would like to have you note, 

That is, that Gompers has contracted 
To deliver up your vote. 

7. If Bryan is elected, 

I almost forgot to say, 

I will close the blamed old factory 
And no wages I will pay. 


LESSON Y. 

GUY 

PRETTIEST 

WINDING 

DINNERPAIL 

FAILED 



18 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


8. So the Guy went to his parlor. 

Went up the winding .stair, 

But failed to see the dinner pail 
Which the Octopus said was there. 

9. His wages will be hammered down 

‘Till it takes the poor Guy’s breath, 

And the Octopus with its tentacles 
Will squeeze the guy to death. 

ALMANAC FOR 1912. 

There will be one eclipse this year. A total eclip-se 
of the Sun, commencing at San-fran-cis-co, on the evening 
of November 5th and lasting three days. Visible in all 
parts of the United States, to Republicans only . 

The moon will go on a toot once a month, and will 
get full, regularly, once a month during this year; and 
will be in danger of being invaded by one Billy Sunday, 
who will convert the inhabitants thereof; and will also 
incidentally relieve them of their surplus asset currency, 
and clearing-house certificates. 

There will be twelve signs of the Zodiac, as usual this 
year, but they will be greatly influenced by the abnormal 
condition of the Earth, the disturbed condition of the 
Moon, and the general abnormal unprecedented phenome¬ 
nal, planetary conditions. 

The Moon in making its monthly revolutions around 
the Earth, will pass through all twelve signs of the 
Zodiac; each month gaining about one sign each month. 
The moon will be full, when passing through many of 
these aforesaid signs; and this fact will serve to unusually 
intensify, the force and effect of such signs of the Zodiac, 
as the moon passes through, in that condition. Aside 
from the aforesaid facts; the moon signs will each month 
during this year exercise a great influence over the twelve 
signs of the Zodiac. The twelve signs of the Zodiac will 
be properly discussed in this work, as they occur in each 
of the twelve months of the year. 

Cummins, Lafollette and Roosevelt will be morning 
stars, until about the middle of June. Then evening stars, 
the rest of the year. 




HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


19 



LESSON VI. 


LABORER 

PROMISES 

COURT 


PLUTOCRAT 

DIVORCE 

DISTRICT 


HOT-AIR 

PARTY 

EQUITY 


In the District Court of 
November Term, 1912. 

Laboring Man, Plaintiff, 
vs. 

G. O. P. 

Defendant. 


theUnited States of America, 

Petition in equity. 

Divorce. 


Comes now the plaintiff, and humbly complaining 
to your honorable Court States: 

Par. 1. That plaintiff was united in marriage to defend- 
























20 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


ant, in the United States of America, in the 
month of November, 1900. 

Par. 2. That plaintiff, and defendant are both and each 
of them, residents of the United States of Amer¬ 
ica, and have resided in the United States of 
America, continuously, for more than the ten 
years last past. 

Par. 3. That the residence of the plaintiff, r.s aforesaid, 
has been, and is now in good faith, and not for 
the- purpose of obtaining a Divorce only. 

Par. 4. That this action is brought in good faith, and 
for the purposes set forth in this petition. 

Par. 5. That the plaintiff has kept the marriage vows, 
assumed in the marriage aforesaid, and has follow¬ 
ed the teachings of teddy, in regard to race sui¬ 
cide and there has been born to^said marriage a 
large number of offsprings, named as follows: 
to-wit: Gigantic Trusts, born 1903. Big Mlerger, 
born 1905. Teddy Bear Craze, born January 
1906. Hot Air Messages, born 1907. Financial 
Panic, born October, 1907. Clearing House Cer¬ 
tificates, born November, 1907. Empty Dinner- 
pails, born December, 1907. Smokeless Factor¬ 
ies, born January, 1908. Republican Souphouses, 
born February, 1908. Hard Times, born Feb¬ 
ruary, 1908. Broken Pledges, born March, 1908. 
Republican Campaign Tactics, born September, 
1908. Republican Coercion, born October, 1908. 
Labor Leader Indictment, born December, 1908. 
Par. 6. That the Defendant he*s since said marriage, been 
guilty of such cruel and inhuman treatment of 
Plaintiff, as to endanger the life of said Plain¬ 
tiff. He has disregarded the vows, by him as¬ 
sumed, in the marriage aforesaid, and has utter¬ 
ly failed to support, and maintain Plaintiff, 
suitable to the station of the said Plaintiff, in life 
He has left Plaintiff in a (Starving condition for 
periods of months at a time, with only such food 
as was furnished by charity, or the soup of the 



HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


21 


Republican souphouses, while he cavorted, around 
with the swell set, and Nabobs of the country, 
and flirted with them, and made love to them, 
and stopped at the highest priced hotels, rode 
in automobiles, and special trains, and bedecked 
himself with diamonds. He has annoyed, pester¬ 
ed, abused and starved one of their Offsprings, 
“I eddy Bear Craze,” until it died of a broken 
heart and starvation. He has set bad exam¬ 
ples to the offspring's of said marriage, so that 
many of them, have gotten beyond parental con¬ 
trol, and should be sent to the reform school. 
In the campaign of 1908, he put on the plain¬ 
tiffs trail, an army of trusts and political graft¬ 
ers, whose every object and aim was to make 
life miserable for plaintiff, and take away the 
right of suffrage, and coerce, intimidate, and 
compel plaintiff to vote the republican ticket. 
He has on different occasions administered to 
plaintiff severe beatings, with Teddy’s ‘‘Big 
Stick,” and has repeatedly threatened to send 
plaintiff to tthe penitentiary on “trumped up” 
charges. He treats plaintiff in the most cruel 
and inhuman manner, continuously, and has 
done so ever since said marriage, with the ex¬ 
ception of about a month before election, in the 
year 1904, and about a month before the Presi¬ 
dential election, in the year 1908, and on those 
two occasions he has acted like he did when he 
was courting Plaintiff. 

Par. 7. That the said cruel and inhuman treatment, has 
weakened and shattered the nervous system of 
plaintiff, has undermined plaintiff’s health, and 
is endangering pailntiff’s life, and that plaintiff’s 
life would be endangered by a continuation of 
the marriage relation now existing between 
plaintiff and defendant. 

Par. 8. That the Defendant is an unfit person, to have 
the custody, care, or control of any of the off¬ 
springs aforesaid. 




22 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


Par. 9. That the said Defendant possesses a colossal for¬ 
tune, which is the joint earnings of both Plain¬ 
tiff and Defendant, the Plaintiff doing the work 
and labor to earn said fortune, and the Defend¬ 
ant having furnished the capital, and hot air to 
accumulate the same. 

Par. 10. That the said Defendant has converted most of 
said colossal fortune to his own use and bene¬ 
fit, giving the said Plaintiff, at times, sufficient 
only to buy a few cheap clothes, and a little to 
eat, and at other times leaving the said Plain¬ 
tiff, in a destitute, and starving condition, de¬ 
pendent upon charity, and the soup of the Re¬ 
publican souphouses, herein before mentioned. 

Par. 11. That in equity and good conscience, Plaintiff 
should receive about one-half of the profits, 
accumulated and amassed, during the existence 
of the marriage aforesaid, while in truth and in 
fact the said Plaintiff has not received during 
the existence of said marriage, sufficient of said 
profits, to keep the said Plaintiff from Starva¬ 
tion. 

Wherefore the Plaintiff prays for an absolute Divorce 
from the said Defendant, from the bond.s of matrimony, 
now existing between said Plaintiff, and Defendant, and 
that said marriage be annulled, canceled and set aside, and 
rendered of no further binding effect, or force or validity, 
whatever; and prays for permanent alimony, in the annual 
sum of $1,000.00 during the rest of the natural life of 
the said Plaintiff; and prays that the offsprings, “Gigan¬ 
tic Trusts, Big Merger, and Republican Coercion” be sent 
to the Penitentiary for life; and that the offsprings “Hot- 
Air-Messages, Clearing House Certificates, Financial Pan¬ 
ic, and Republican Soup Houses,” be sent to ithe Reform 
school; and that the Democratic Party, be given the care, 
custody, control and management of the rest of 
said offsprings; and that a fitting and suitable monument 






HANLEY'S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


23 


be erected to the memory of “Teddy Bear Craze;” and for 
judgment against the said Defendant for the costs of this 
action. 

P. J. HANLEY, 
Attorney for the Plaintiff. 

1 

State of Destitution. 

i 

Soup-house county, S. S, I., Laboring man, being duly 
sworn,on my oath depose and say; That I am the Plain¬ 
tiff, in the above entitled action; That I have read the 
within and foregoing Petition for a Divorce; and that the 
statements and allegations, therein contained, are true, 
as I verily believe. 

i 

t 

Laboring Man, 

Plaintiff. 

Subscribed and sworn to by the said, Laboring Man, be¬ 
fore me, Square Deal, a Justice of the Peace,*thi s 19tli day 
of April, 1909. 

Square Deal, 


Justice of the Peace. 




24 


JIANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 



LESSON VII. 

Muzzling The Press. 

STICK TAFT 

BIG INDICTMENT 

ZODIAC MY POLICIES 

TEDDY 
SIGNS 
PLEDGE 

Teddy: Pull down on the rope Charley; I can’t put 
the muzzle on Pulitzer, when he’s reared up, and has his 
head stuck away up in the air. 0, rats: The rotton rope 
broke. I told you that rope was not strong enough to hold 
a chipmonk. You don’t know enough to pound sand into 
a rat hole. Why didn’t you get a cable? Don’t lay there 
forever. Get up and get him by the leg. Ouch these other 
infernal dogs are biting me and tearing my clothes, too. 

















HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


25 


Charles P. Taft: Let’s cut it out Teddy. We’ll be 
eaten up. Don’t you see, the dogs are coming from every¬ 
where? 

Teddy: What do you take me for? Get up; and get hold 
of his front legs I tell you. You have no sand in your 
craw. Your getting weak in the knees. 

What’s the matter with you, Bonaparte? Can’t you get 
anything better than a tail hold? Taft; what are you 
standing there for, like a knot on a log? Run down to the 
white-house, and get my big stick and I’ll soon disperse 
this bunch. 

Taft: I don’t believe we can do it Teddy; there’s too 
many cf them, and they are barking so, and acting so vic¬ 
ious, that I believe we’d better not try to muzzle those 
three fellows now; besides I’ve been looking in Hosteter's 
aimianac and find the signs are not right. The signs are 
in the head, they should be in the fishes. The best 
time to catch suckers, is when the signs are in the fi.shes; 
and that’s also the best time to muzzle the press. 

Teddy: I don’t believe in the signs of the zodiac. The 
time to do things, is when you get ready, no matter where 
the .signs are; and besides, I don’t want any of your back 
talk, or I’ll put the signs in your case, where they ought 
be, in about ten seconds. I made you what you are. I’m 
it. You get elected on pledges to carry out my poli¬ 
cies, and one of my policies is to muzzle the press, and 
you’ve got to help muzzle it. 

Taft: Where is the big .stick Teddy? 

Teddy: It’s in the gymnasium where I left it after 
beating the life out of Congress, and Tillman. Get a move 
cn you now, and get back here, and we’ll muzzle Pulitzer, 
and Smith, and Williams, and perhaps that will put a quie¬ 
tus on the rest of them. If it don’t we”l keep on muzz¬ 
ling them, till we silence the whole shootin-match. It’s 
getting so that a man couldn’t even start a kingdom in 
th'.s country, on account of their infernal, yelping snap¬ 
ping, and howling. 

Cromwell: I believe we had better put it off until 
the dark cf the moon, I’ve read in “Poor Richard’s Alma- 




26 


HANLEY'S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


nac,” that they don’t bark so much in the dark of the moon. 

Teddy: Are you getting cold feet too? You haven’t 
got as much sand as a rabbit. A little barking and howl¬ 
ing don’t scare me. The press has got to be muzzled, and 
if you spring any more almanacs on me, I’ll make you think 
you’ve been struck with a pile driver. There goes anoth¬ 
er peice of my pants; tie Williams to the stake, and kick 
the livers out of some of them. Taft your as slow as the 
seven year itch. Aren’t you never going to get started. 

Taft: I’m hurrying as fast as I can Teddy. 

Teddy: You’re entirely too fat. You’ll have to run 
about forty miles each day, and practice in my gymnasi¬ 
um, besides, and get down to fighting weight before you’ll 
ever make a .success as President. 

Morgan: I believe we had better send for John D. 
Rockefeller. He is good at cornering things up. If he 
were here, I believe we could corner them up better. 

Teddy: Who told you to butt in? You had better wait 
to offer advice until I ask you for it. We don’t need any 
of John D. Rockefeller’s assistance in this matter; I’ve 
forgotten more about cornering things up, than John D. 
Rockefeller ever knew, and besides his stomach i.s out of 
order. I don’t want any invalids around here. When Taft 
gets back with my big stick, I’ll show you how to corner 
things up, and put this gathering to flight, and stop theil 
infernal yelping and howling. If that epidemic had not 
killed off all of my bears, I would have turned them loose 
on this bunch, and would have saved all this trouble. 

Chas. P. Taft: Whats the matter with getting the 
Lilly Possums and turning them loose on the whole out¬ 
fit? 

Teddy: O, Rats! You make me tired. When there is 
a scrap on, the Billy Possums act like Taft. Act like they 
are dead, when there should be .something doing. Don’t 
spring any more Billy Possums on me, at this stage of the 
game, or I will turn myself loose on you, and you will 
think a Cyclone has struck you. When I get back from Af¬ 
rica, I will bring plenty of lions with me, and if there are 
any more demonstrations like tlr'.s one, I will make them 




HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER- 


27 


hunt their kennels on mighty short notice. I hone Wick- 
ersham, won’t prove to be a sham. I hope he will be able 
to get something better than a tail hold, when he gets into 
the game. When I get back from Africa with the lions, 
I’ll see how much sand he has in his craw. I wonder 
what’s a keeping Taft so long. I’ll bet he met some kids and 
got to playing marbles, and has forgotten what he was sent 
for. 

The year will start in with the sign Capricornus which 
is the .sign of the knees which sign commences Dec. 22nd, 
1911, at 12:35 p. m. and ends January 18th at 7:38 p. m. 
This sign is favorable to the Republican party. It makes 
Democrats weak in the knees and Republicans weak in the 
head, but very strong in the stomach, and they are liable 
to attack weak-kneed Democrats during this sign unless 
such Democrats are fortified with copies of “Hanley’s Re¬ 
vised Political Primer.’’ 

LATITUDE OF BOSTON. 


January, 1912. 



New York State, Iowa, Nebraska, 


SUN RISES 

SUN 

SETS 

1 

Mon. New Year’s Day. Circumcision 

7:30 

4:38 

2 

Tues. Clear and cold 

7:30 

4:39 

3 

Wed. Cloudy, with snow, and general 

7:30 

4:40 

4 

Thurs. Blockades in Northwest 

7:30 

4:41 

5 

Fri. Dangerous gales over the great 

7:30 

4:42 

6 

Sat. lakes, extending into Ind., Ohio, 

7:30 

4:43 

7 

Sun. and New York State 

7:30 

4:44 

8 

Mon. Jackson’s Day. 

7:29 

4:45 

9 

Tues. Weather moderations somewhat, but 

7:29 

4:46 

10 

Wed. is still very disagreeable, 

7:29 

4:47 

11 

Thurs. accompanied by high westerly 

7:29 

4:48 

12 

Fri. winds. 

7:28 

4:49 

13 

Sat. Rhodes Opera House fire 1908. 

7:28 

4:50 

14 

Sun. Peace ratified 1784. 

7:28 

4:51 

10 

Tues. Marshall Field died 1906 

7:27- 

4:54 

17 

Wed. Sleet and snow accompanied by 

7:26 

4:55 

18 

Thurs. high easterly winds, turning 

7:26 

4:56 





28 

HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL 

PRIMER. 


19 

Fri. to northwesterly winds of great 

7:25 

4:57 

20 

Sat. velocity, causing a general 

7:24 

4:59 

21 

Sun. blockade from the Rocky moun- 

7:24 

5:00 

22 

Mon. tains to New York City. 

7:23 

5:01 

23 

Tues. 

7:22 

5:02 

24 

Wed. 

7:22 

5:04 

o - 

Thurs. Conversion of St. Paul 

7:22 

5:04 

20 

Fri. 

7:21 

5:06 

27 

Sat. James G. Blaine died 1893. 

7:20 

5:07 

28 

Sun. Weather moderates and strong 



gales. 

7:18 

5:09 

29 

Mon. blow from southwest, turning 

7:17 

5:10 

30 

Tues. to northwest, blowing down many 7:16 

5.11 

31 

Wed. fences. 

7:15 

5:13 


A good wife and a large family of children, are 

tsome 

cf 

Heaven’s choicest blessings, which God 

bestows 

upon 


many men. 

The Sign Aquarius being the sign of the legs, com¬ 
mences on the 18th day of January at 7:38 p. m., and ends 
on the 17th day of February, at 3:41 a. m. This sign ef¬ 
fects ambitious people in a peculiar manner. It espec¬ 
ially effects ambitious Republicans in a most peculiar 
manner. The first symptoms that the sign is effecting them 
is that they ,sit up, and take notice, then they begin to 
walkup and down the earth and then they want to run; 
and the strange part of it is they all seem to want to run 
for office. The moon signs this year will co-operate with 
Aquarius and will greatly intensify the influence of said 
sign so that the crop of sprinters willing to enter the 
races will be unusually large this year. They will also 
be very saintly until after election, (those of them who 
get booked for the races.) In the east they will promise 
to revise the tariff upward and will contend that the platform 
means revision upward, and in the west they will promise 
to revise the tariff downward and will contend that the 
platform means revision downward. 

Mr. J. H. Vaughn, of Dubuque, Iowa, writes: “I was 
troubled with the Shorts ever since the Republican panic of 
1907. Had pains in the head, was dizzy, had cold feet, was 



HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


29 


weak in the knees, had hallucinations, and voted the Re¬ 
publican ticket in 1908, was troubled with night sweats, 
had nightmare, and my liver was all out of order, had pal¬ 
pitation of the heart, and nervous prostration, was a phy¬ 
sical and mental wreck, and imagined that the Republican 
party intended to revise the tariff downward, had lost 75 
pounds since the last election and was a walking skeleton. 
I was given up by the doctors who said there was no hope 
for me. I sent for a package of “Hanley’.s Revised Politi¬ 
cal Primer” and took the same according to directions and 
it entirely cured me, and I feel better than I have since 
Cleveland’s first administration. I have gained 50 pounds 
in the past three weeks and feel like a fighting cock. I 
have the courage of my convictions and will vote the Dem- 


ocrati-c ticket from hence forth, the remainder of my days. 

LATITUDE OF ROSTOV, NEW YORK STATE 

, IOWA 

AND 


NEBRASKA. 




February, 1912. 




SUN RISES 

SUN 

SETS 

1 

Thurs. 

7:14 

5:14 

2 

Fri. Purification, Candlemas day. 

7:13 

5:15 

3 

Sat. On the 2nd of February, the Ground 

7:12 

5:17 

4 

Sun. hog will emerge from his hole 

7:11 

5:18 

5 

Mon. to make some a.strolomical calcu- 

7:10 

5:19 

6 

Tues. lations, and while cavorting around 

7.09 

5:20 

7 

Wed. will suddenly see his shadow. 

7:08 

5:22 

8 

Thurs. He will think hits shadow is the 

7:07 

5:23 

9 

Fri. Gen. Hancock died, 1886. [ghost 

7:05 

5:24 

10' 

Sat. of a Billy Possum, and he will 

7:01 

5:26 

11 

Sun. thereupon hike for his hole at a 

7:03 

5:27 

12 

Mon. Lincoln born, 1809. [high rate of 

7:01 

5:28 

13 

Tues. speed and will plunge into same 

7:00 

5:30 

14 

Wed. St. Valentine’s day [head first 

6:58 

5:31 

15 

Thurs. and will remain there till the 

6:57 

5:32 

16 

Fri. cows come home. 

6:56 

5:33 

17 

Sat. Michael Angelo died, 1564. 

6:55 

5:35 

18 

Sun. Snow storms general throughout 6:58 

5:36 

19 

Mon. the north turning to a general 

6:52 

5:37 



30 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


20 

Tues. blizzard, perhaps the most 

6:50 

5:38 

21 

Wed. Ash Wednesday. [severe in the 

6:49 

5:40 

22 

Tliurs. Washington born, 1732. (historyof 6:47 

5:41 

23 

Fri. the country. 

6:46 

5:42 

24 

Fat. St. Mathias. 

6:44 

5:43 

25 

Sun. 

6:43 

5:45 

26 

Mon. High winds assuming the 

6:41 

5:46 

27 

Tues. form of a Roc.seveltan cyclone. 

6:40 

5:47 

28 

Wted. 

6:38 

5:48 

29 

Thurs. More snow. 

6:37 

5:48 


The prayers of a good mother have brought back many 
a wayward son, to the paths of virtue. 

The Sign Pisces, Sign of the feet, begins Feb. 17th 
at 3:41 a. m. and ends March 21st, 7:06 a. m. During this 
sign Republicans will be effected generally with diseases 
of the feet, such as cold feet, corns, bunions, swelling of 
the feet and galling of the feet. The previous sign, 
Aquarius, (being so greatly intensified by the moons signs, 
and the planetary condition herein before referred to) will 
so effect the Republicans with a desire for sprinting and 
being on their feet, that they will, during the sign Pisces, 
be liable to contract some or all cf the above named di¬ 
seases unless great care is taken of the pedal extremities 
during this sign. 

During this sign will also be a good time to catch fish. 
Before commencing to fish, however, certain formalities 
should be observed to bring about the desired results. For 
instance in latitudes where it is warm, speeches should be 
made on the banks before casting in the hooks, promising 
to call an extra session of congress after the next inaugu¬ 
ration to revise the tariff on worms, and it might with good 
propriety be hinted quite strongly that the party will put 
worms on the free list. At the same time in those speeches 
the anglers should give the larger fish to understand that the 
use of seines will in no event be tolerated. In latitudes 
where ice is still on, holes should be cut in the ice around 
which stand-patters should be stationed with spears. It 
will be also necessary to have some good Progressive Re- 





HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


31 


publicans at hand at each hole, who have a good command of 
language, and each of them should make an eloquent and 
impressive Democratic speech assuring the fishes that the 
principles of Democracy will be carried out by the Repub¬ 
lican party, and the Progressive Republicans if they get re¬ 
turned to power. 

At the same time a sufficient number of standpatters 
should be stationed at each hole with spears, and when the 
fish come up to hear the speeches, they should proceed to 
spear the requisite number of fishes. They should repair 
to a large commodious hall and banquet therein upon said 
fishes, and sing the praise of the Grand Old Republican 
Party. 





32 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 



TARIFF BY IKE AND JAKE 

TARIFF—A tribute which the farmer pays to the rich 
to make them richer, and to keep himself and family poor. 

LUMBER—Boards made out of tariff, and tree.s; two- 
thirds tariff, and one-third trees, and u.sed by farmers, in 
the construction of buildings. 

HEN—A feathered fowl which lays eggs only when 
the Republican party is in power. A domestic fowl, raised 
on the farm. 

TRUSTS—Gigantic Octopuses created by the farmers’ 
vote, for the purpose of legally robbing- the farmer. 

Ike—Hello Jake. 

Jake—Hello Ike. 





















































HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


33 


Ike—It’s a fine day aint it. 

Jake—Mighty fine. 

Ike—Goin’ to do .some buildin’? 

Jake—Yep. The woman’s been after me for nigh onto 
a year to build a hen house, and you know when a woman 
gets a notion into her head, she’s goin’ to have her way. 
I hated like thunder to build it on account of lumber being 
so tarnation high. I sawed the rough lumber fur it, outen 
some trees that I had down in the pasture, and I hated like 
sin to cut them down, for the cows needed them for shade. 

Ike—That’s what you get for voting for high protec¬ 
tion, and the Republican party. That lumber you have in 
the wagon there, i.s about two-thirds tariff, and trusts, and 
one-third lumber. 

Jake—I don’t see how the tariff has anything to do 
with the lumber. 

Ike—You don’t? Well I will show you. Over two- 
thirds of the great forests we used to have in the United 
States, is cut down and a great part of the land where it 
growed, is bein’ farmed now. The other one-third of those 
great forests, is now owned by gigantic tru.sts, known as 
lumber trusts. Stretehin’ clear along the northern border 
of the United States, is the great forests of Canada; great¬ 
er by far than the forests of the United States ever was, 
and there standin’ untetehed except what little i.s used in 
Canada, and a little shipped across the ocean, and these 
gigantic lumber trusts of our’n, have got the Republican 
party to sock the tariff on lumber up so high, that it shuts 
the Canadian lumber outen the United States entirely, so 
that our gigantic lumber trust.s have no competition at all 
and can sock the price of lumber up as high as they please, 
and you and I and the rest of us suckers have got to pay 
the price, or do without it. 







34 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 



Jake—I guess your right about the lumber Ike; but 
don’t you honestly think the tariff makes high prices for 
the farmers 

Ike—It makes high prices for the farmer on what he 
has to buy; just like it makes the price of lumber high. 

Jake—Well, I mean on what he has to sell sech as 
horses, cattle, hogs, corn and wheat. 

Ike—No. On the contray I believe they’d be higer than 
they are now, under this tariff. Don’t you remember that 
.some of the nations of Europe, have refused to buy any 
of our pork or beef, because weuns put a high tariff, on 
things they wanted to sell us, which wenus didn’t raise 
at all? Besides, no nation on the face of God’s green 
Earth ships any horses, cattle or hogs into the United 
States and has none to ship in here except a few stallions. 
So how can tariff on horses, cattle and hogs or pork do us 
any good, when there aint no one to compete with us? And 































HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


35 


so far a.s wheat is concerned, there aint no wheat to come 
into this country except when weuns want to get some seed 
wheat from Canada. You know th farther north we get our 
seed wheat, the better crop we get. The price of wheat in 
Canada and in the United States is fixed in Liverpool, on ac¬ 
count that the surplus wheat has to go abroad, to feed the 
people in ether countries where they don’t raise enough 
wheat to flag a bread wagon. So far as what weun.s have 
to buy is concerned, it wouldn’t hurt you or me a blamed 
bit, if weuns could buy our lumber, farm machinery, cloth¬ 
ing, wagons, buggies, tea, coffee and sugar, for half of what 
weuns have to pay for it now under this high protective 
tariff. 

Jake—That would strike me all right. I’ve been stud- 
dyin about this tariff business, a right .smart. A few deals 
that happened 1 in the last year or two, like this hen-house 
deal, has opened my eyes; but you see I’ve voted the Re¬ 
publican ticket all my life, and when a fellow has had that 
habit so long its kind of hard to break off. 

LATITUDE ,0F BOSTON, NEW YORK STATE, IOWA 



NEBRASKA. 




March. 


t 


SUN RISES 

SUN 

SETS 

1 

Fri. St. David. 

6:36 

5:50 

2 

Sat. March will come in like a lion and 

6:35 

5:51 

3 

Sun. will go out like Roosevelt. 

6:33 

5:52 

4 

Mon. Some snow accompanied by high 

6:32 

5:53 

5 

Tues. northwest winds, assuming the 

6:30 

5:54 

6 

Wfed. form of a blizzard, which will chill 

6:28 

5:56 

7 

Thurs. the gizards in a great many 



stand-patters. 

6:27 

5:57 

8 

Fri People should have storm caves 

6:25 

5:58 

9 

Sat. and should go into them when a 

6:23 

5:59 

10 

Sun. high westerly gale or an African 

6:21 

6.00 

11 

Mon. Cuba ratified treaty, 1903. [Si- 

6:20 

6:01 

12 

Tues. moon-.swiper strikes their parti- 

6:18 

6:03 

13 

Wed. cular locality.] Suzan B. Anthony 








36 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


14 

15 

16 

17 

18 

19 

20 
21 
22 

23 

24 

25 

26 

27 

28 

29 

30 

31 


died, 1906. 

Thurs. The Ides of March will bring 
Fri. great tribulations and general re- 
Sat. versals of the natural order of 
Sun. St. Patrick’s day. [things, and if 
Mon. you happen to be a Republican and 
Tues. happen to be in your storm cave 
Wed. come not out, and if you happen 
Thurs. Spring begins, [not to be in your 
Fri. storm cave in tho*se days, get a box 
Sat. car move on you and get into thy 
Sun. cave for such winds will blow in 
Mon. Annunciation, [these days as- hath 
Tues. not blown yet. and lions will come 
Wed. even from the jungles of Africa 
Thurs. and will with great fury swoop 
Fri. down on those who have stood-pat 
Sat. Alaska purchased, 1879 [and refused 
Sun. Palm Sunday, [to go into their 
storm caves. Terrific thunder, lightning 
and cyclones. 


6:16 

6:04 

6:15 

6:05 

6:13 

6:06 

6:11 

6:07 

6:09 

6:08 

6:08 

6:10 

6:06 

6:11 

6:04 

6:12 

6:03 

6:13 

6:01 

6:14 

5:59 

6:15 

5:57 

6:16 

5:56 

6:17 

5:54 

6:18 

5:52 

6:20 

5:50 

6:21 

5:49 

6:22 

5:47 

6:23 

5:45 

6:24 


A clear conscience will bring any man more happiness 
though he be very poor, than would the wealth of Rocke¬ 
feller, with a guilty conscience. 


Aries: Sign of the head, begins March 21st at 7:16 
A. M., and ends April 23rd at 12:50 A. M. This sign will 
be very disastrous to the Republican party, for during this 
sign the thinktanks of the people will be in operation and 
they will get next to the crooked tactics of the Republican 
party. They will discover that a Republican who preach¬ 
es Democratic Doctrines, and still remains a Republican, 
is more dangerous to the success of the Democratic prin¬ 
ciples than is the rankest Stand-Patter. They will dis¬ 
cover that if he was in earnest he would become a Demo¬ 
crat at once. They will discover that the passage of scrip- 
tuie which reads, He that is not with me, is against me, 
and he that has gathered not with me scattereth” is true! 
That such reformers are wolves in sheep’s clothing That 
such reformers are hypocrites. That such reformers make 



HANLEY'S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


37 


the .success of the Democratic principles impossible, be¬ 
cause they divide, and scattereth the people who believe in 
reform, and want reform. They will discover that when 
the Devil was sick the Devil a Monk would be. But when 
he got well, the Devil a Monk was he. They will discover 
that when the Republican party preaches Democratic Doc¬ 
trine, it does so because it is sick, and that when an indi¬ 
vidual Republican preaches Democratic Doctrine, he doe»s 
so because he is sick. That every principle, in which the 
Republican party believes, can be written in six words, as 
follows, to-wit:—Resolved: That we want the offices. 
That every principle in which a Republican, who preaches 
Democratic Doctrines, believe, can be written in six words, 
as follows to-wit:—Resolved: That I want the office. It 
will be almost impossible to make the people forget the 
impressions made on their minds, during this sign. 

O. B. Smith of New York City, writes: I wa*s afflic¬ 
ted with chronic stomach trouble which I contracted at a 
Republican soup-house, during the Republican panic of 
1907 and 1908. I became very emaciated, and was afraid 
to behold myself in a glass. It developed into a dangerous 
form of the rickets and I get very weak in the joints, es¬ 
pecially in the knees. I felt like I had no backbone. I 
would fall down every time I met a Republican, I had lost 
all my former courage. I voted for Taft, although I did 
not want to do so. A friend in mine out in Iowa, sent me a 
package of Hanley’s Revised Political Primer, and I took 
the same inwardly, according to directions, and it has per¬ 
manently cured me. I can cheerfully recommend your re¬ 
medy to all persons afflicted with chronic stomach trouble 

LATITUDE OF BOSTON, NEW YORK STATE, IOWA, 



NEBRASKA. 




April, 1912. 




SUN RISES 

SUN 

SETS 

1 

Mon. All fool’s day. 

5:44 

6:24 

2 

Tues. Prof. Morse died, 1872. 

5:43 

6:25 

3 

Wed. There will be a cold wave the 

5:41 

6:26 

4 

Thurs. first few days of this month. 

5:39 

6:27 

5 

Fri. Good Friday. 

5:38 

6:28 





38 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


6 Sat. Turns warm. Hot for the eeason. 

7 Sun. Easter Sunday. 

8 Mon. Cold wave with some snowflur- 

9 Tues. ries and high northwest winds. 

10 Wed. The sowing of small grain and 

11 Thurs. the plowing for corn will be 

12 Fri. greatly retarded by reason of the 

13 Sat. time consumed in repairing fences 

14 Sun. which will have been blown down 

15 Mon. Bering Sea treaty, 1896. [by the 

16 Tues. gales, high winds and African 

17 Wed. Franklin died, 1790. [Si-moon- 

18 Thurs. Swiper® of former months. 

19 Fri. Hot winds, turning to cooler weath- 

20 Sat. er with general rains. 

21 Sun. Winds shift to northwest and 

22 Mon. the weather will remain cool for 

23 Tues. St. George, [several days. 

24 Wed. Grows warmer. 

25- Thurs. St. Mark. 

26 Fri. Gen. Johnston surrendered, 1865. 

27 Sat. Intense heat for the season, fol- 

28 Sun. lowed by severe electrical storms. 

29 Mon. 

30 Tugs, 


5:36 

6:29 

5:35 

6:30 

5:33 

6:32 

5:31 

6:33 

5:30 

6:34 

5:28 

6:35 

5:27 

6:36 

5:25 

6:37 

5:24 

6:38 

5:22 

6:39 

5:20 

6:40 

5:19 

6:41 

5:17 

6:42 

5:16 

6:43 

5:14 

6:44 

5:13 

6:45 

5:11 

6:46 

5:10 

6:47 

5:09 

6:48 

5:07 

6:49 

5:06 

6:50 

5:04 

6:51 

5:03 

6:52 

5:02 

6:53 

5:00 

6:54 


The Good Book says, “It will be as hard for a rich man 
to enter the Kingdom of Heaven as it is for a camel to 
pass through the eye of a needle,’’ yet plutocrats make 
laws to oppress the poor and gain more wealth. Man like 
the fallen angels assumes to know more than the Almighty. 


The Sign Taurus, Sign of the Neck, begins April 23rd 
at 12:50 A. M. and ends May 23rd, 11:08 P. M. This sign 
will be very favorable to the Democratic party, and will be 
very dfetastrous to the Republican party. The thinktanks 
of the Democratic party have been running full blast dur¬ 
ing the previous Sign, Aries, the people will be fully 
aroused to the sense of the abuses they have suffered at 
the hands of the Republican party, and will fully realize 
how they have been bull-dozed by that party, and the Re¬ 
publican party will get it in the neck. 



HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


39 


It might be well to also mention again, that the moon 
'jasse»s through each of the twelve signs of the Zodiac, 
each month, and that the moon has each and every one of 
the twelve signs of the Zodiae, each month, but in a lesser 
degree, however, than the actual twelve signs of the Zodiac 
which occur twelve times a year. The moon will get full 
while the Sign Taurus is in effect, and will have it in for 
the Republican party anyway, on account of that party’s 
petition on the prohibition question and will use all the 
ifetee of her twelve signs, to pummel the stuffin’ out of 
the Republican party, regardless of race, color, or pre¬ 
vious condition of servitude. 

E. J. Hicks, of Rushville, Indiana, writes: A Demo¬ 
cratic friend of mine who used to work in a factory in Chi¬ 
cago, was suffering from insomnia. Wa.s. troubled with 
rats in his garret, and had water on the brain. Had hal¬ 
lucination, and imagined if Bryan was elected, the Re¬ 
publican party would not let the owners of the factories 
start them to running again. Voted for Taft and still con¬ 
tinued to grow worse. Tried all kinds of doctors and faith 
cure, 3 , and listened to all kinds of advice,and he had been 
advised by a fried to soak his head in a swill barrel, 
which he did, but the rats stil continued to perambulate 
through his garret, and the water supply on the brain 
‘showed no ,symtoms of evaporating. He had given up in 
despair, and I had no hopes for his recovery, until I wit¬ 
nessed the cure of a hopeless case of nervous prostration 
performed by your remedy, on one man in our town, so 
I sent to you, for a. package of your Revised Political 
Primer, and when I received it, I sent the same to him, 
and I received a letter from him stating that he had taken 
the treatment according to directions, that the rats had all 
left,that the heat which the treatment produced in his sys¬ 
tem, evaporated, and dried up the water on his brain, and 
that his sleep was now undisturbed, and that he was re¬ 
stored to perfect health. In conclusion he stated, that he 
had returned to the Democratic fold and had denounced 
the Republican party, with all its works and pomps. He 
'admits your treatment saved his life. 



HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 



LESSON IX. 

Uncle Sam and Si. Perkins. 

SCALP ELECTION. 

FIGHTIN’ CORNER. 

OUT-FROM-IN-UN, TARNATION. 

LYCURGUS. OUTEN. 

Uncle Sam—Say Si, why didn’t you vote for Billy Bry¬ 
an at the la«t election? He’s a square man, and would 
have given you a square deal. 

Si Perkins—Well, Uncle, I’ll tell you. You see Bryan 
he’s a fightin’ these pesky trusts, grafters and the money 
power, and they are after his scalp, and I was afeard that 
if Bryan got in, they’d shet down on the money, and 
corner it up, and make most tarnation hard times. You 
see I bought a hundred and sixty that jined me, from Ly- 
curgus Skinner, a couple a years ago, and he has a mort- 


































HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 41 


gage of seven thousand dollars onto it yet, and I wanted to 
git out-from-in-under that mortgage, before Eryan and 
them other fellows locked horns, so that when Bryan did 
git in, me and the woman, and the kic!»s, wouldn't get 
kicked outen the house. 

Uncle Sam—Si, you overestimate the strength of the 
trusts, grafters, and money power. Why, I’ve licked Eng¬ 
land twice, Spain once, and also took a poke at Mexico a 
good many years ago; and do you suppose I’m going to let 
the trusts, grafters and money power of my country tramp 
on my corns? Not on your auto-mo-billy! Why I’m not 
only the strongest man on earth but I am also the 
richest man on earth. I own these whole United States. 
I can chill the gizard in every trust, grafter and money 
power in the United States in twenty-four hours, and if it 
becomes necessary, I can put them into a ring and lick 
the whole shootin’-match in fifteen minutes. 

When I had Andy Jackson up there in the White 
House, running things for Me, the money power tried to 
dictate my business to him, but I showed them where to 
head in at. I backed Andy up, and told him to tell them, 
I’d hang them higher than Hamon, if they didn’t cut it oat, 
and they cut it out mighty quick too. 

Si Perkins—I know’d you was handy with your fists 
Uncle, and was me.st tarnation stout, and had the sand too, 
but I thought them Wall Street fellows had more money 
than you had. You see Lycurgus Skinner lowed a couple 
a weeks before election that about a hundred of them Wall 
street fellers could corner up the money of the country, 
and make a panic and hard times, and that if Bryan got in 
they surely would do it to put Bryan outof busines, be- 
came Eryan was workin’ in the interests of the common 
people and against them, and weuns would have to suffer 
on account of the fight they would surely make on Bryan, 
and that we’d have four years of the awfulest hard times 
that ever struck the country and I thought Lycurgus 
ourght to know for he pears to be perfectly well posted, so 
I told Mirandy that night that the way thingvs was lookin’' 




42 


HANLEY'S REVISED EOLITICAL PRIMER, 


I guessed I’d have to vote for Taft, but hated like thundet 
to do it. 

Uncle Sam—'Si, Lycurgus Skinner, is an agent of the 
money power, and a tool of the Republican party, and I 
would advise you to pay no attention to his misrepresent 
tations in the future. He is not interested in your welfare 
neither is he interested in mine. If he was he would not 
intentionally try to mislead honest vctors. He would not 
try to scare them into voting the Republican ticket, by 
scaring them with ghost stories about hard times and pan- 1 
ics if the Democrats got into power. If he were honest 
and there was any merit in the Republican party and its 
policies, in its present state of degeneration, he would talk 
up the merits of the Republican party and its policies, in¬ 
stead of faLsely stating to you that hard times and paniG 
would come if the Democratic party got into power, and 
get control of the government. He knows that the money 
power and the grafters and trusts cannot corner me up, 
cannot corner my wealth up, cannot coner my money up, 
He knows that the wealth of money power, grafiers and 
trusts as compared \yjdh my wealth is like unto the volume 
of water which runs through a little creek as compared 
with the volume of water which flows through the great 
Mississippi river. He knows that their strength as com¬ 
pared with mine is like unto the strength of a few chip¬ 
munks as compared with the strength of a full-grown lion. 
He knows I am invincible, but he tries to make you and 
ether honest voters believe he has the drop on me, can cor- 
er me up, can make hard times and panics, so that you, 
and the great mass of honest farmers, and laboring men 
will get scared, and vote against your own interests, 
against your best friend and against me. Thus Lycurgus 
Skinner and thousands of agents of the trust, money pow¬ 
er and Eepublcan party, thwarted the will of my people in 
the recent campaign, and defeated my true friend. W. J, 
Eryan, that they might continue the Republican party in 
power, that they might unjustly continue to reap the bene r 
fits of the honest toil of the farmers and laboring men of 
my country. That they might also bring the toilers of my 
Country a long stride nearer to white human slavery. 






HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER, 


43 


In the state of Iowa alone, I own about $14,456,000,000 
worth of property. The whole amount of money in the 
•whole United States is about $2,590,000,000, so you see the 
property which i own in the state of Iowa alone, Is worth 
about seven times as much, as all the gold, silver and cur¬ 
rency in the whole United States, and I own forty-six 
states, that will average in wealth with Iowa; besides I 
own territories and possessions in the Philipines, and the 
Panama canal and I also own a great navy, and scads of 
other property and money which 1 might mention; so you 
see Si, it is simply absurd for Lycurgus Skinner to say 
chat about a hundred of them V/all street fellows can corner 
me and my money and my wealth up, and make panics and 
hard times for you and me, if you fellows had elected Billy 
Bryan President of my country. Why Si, I could take the 
interest on my wealth at six percent, for one week and 
with that amount of money buy them* one hundred Wall 
street fellows out, that Lycurgus Skinner scared you about. 
So they are going to corner me up? Don’t you see Si, they 
can't do it? 

Si Perkins—Yes, Uncle, I see they can’t do it. You’ve 
lifeted a great load ofen my mind. I’ve been wantin’ to 
vote the Democrat ticket for quite a spell, but they scared 
me outen it, a talkin’ about hard times and panics if the 
Democrats got in. I wish I had a chance to talk with you 
Uncle, before the last election for then Billy Bryan would 
a got my vote. Do you reckon Billy Bryan’ll run again 
the next time, Uncle? 

Uncle Sam—I don’t know Si, whether Billy Bryan will 
run again in 1912 or not. I leave that all to you fellows. 
I have given you fellows the sole right and power to nomi¬ 
nate and elect Presidents. 

Si Perkins—AVeR, what’s your feelin’s about it Uncle, 
do you think he’d ourght to run again in 1912? 

Uncle Sam—My feelings in the matter Si, are that lie 
should run again in 1912, and that you and every man, who 
believes in government of the people, by the people and for 
the people shou d vote for him and use every hon- 




44 Hanley's revised political primer, 


est means' within your power, to elect him. He is a good, 
great man. Pie is a masterpiece of the noblest work of 
God. He is a true champion of the rights of the common 
people, and is their true friend, and is therefore a true 
friend of all the people, but it is difficult to make the men 
who want to corner the Earth, understand these truths. 

He is preeminently qualified and fitted in every good 
Way, to fill to my entire satisfaction, the high office of 
President of these United States, and it would afford me 
the greatest satisfaction and 1 joy I have ever experienced, 
Si, to see him elected President in 1912. It would lift a 
great load from my mind Si, for I tell you, I am worried 
about the way they are running things. 

But the great trouble is that Bryan is not a candidate 
for the nomination in 1912, and has repeatedly said so. He 
is fighting for the principles of Democracy though, just as 
hard as ever, and if anything harder, and perhaps feels 
that he can do more good at this time and in 1912, fight¬ 
ing fcr the principles of Democracy, and the people, if he 
did net enter the Presidential race in 1912. 

He puts his stamp of approval on a man by the name 
of Woodrow Wilson whom I have working for me, down in 
New Jersey, as Governor of that state, and Woodrow must 
be all right, or Bryan wouldn’t recommend him. He is 
handling the job of Governor for me to my entire satisfac¬ 
tion, and I believe he would make a good president and it 
would not surprise me at all, if he should be nominated* 
and elected President in 1912. As Bryan cannot be induced 
to run, Wilson is my choice for President, in 1912. 

One term is enough for any man for President, and I 
hope the Democratic party will put a plank in its platform 
in 1912 to that effect; then I think it is the plain duiby of 
Mr. Bryan to accept the nomination for President in 1916, 
and it is the plain duty of the people of this country to 
elect him by the greatest majority a President ever re¬ 
ceived. 

The trusts and the money power are trying to indirect¬ 
ly take away from the laborer and the farmer, the right 
to vote. The era cf corruption in high places which Lin- 





HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER 


45 


coin told me was coming, has arrived. Lyeurgus Skinner 
took away from you Si, your right to vote. You would 
have voted for Bryan had it not been for what he told you, 
two weeks before election, what he told you was all fa\se. 
He told these falsehoods to you to frighten you, and to get 
you to vote against your true friend, against your own in¬ 
terests and to get your vote in the interests of your enemy, 
the money power and trusts. 

Si Perkins—You’re right Uncle, Lycurgus Skinner did 
scare me outen my right to vote for Billy Bryan, but he’ll 
never do it again Uncle, if I git a chance to vote for him. 
If he come.s around here again insinuatin’ against Bryan, 
and the Democratic party, he’ll get kicked ofen the place, 
and I kinder feel it in my bones that I can do the job 
up about right Uncle, for I’ve fit a right smart in my time, 
and I’m purty husky yet, if I am gittin’ a little bit up in 
yeans. 

Uncle Sam—Si, have your heard about Teddy trying to 
muzzle the press, of the country? 

Si Perkins—Why I see’d something about it in the 
newspapers about Teddy a havin’ Pulitzer and a couple of 
other fellows indicted for something they’d writ, and put 
in their papers, a sayin’ that things didn’t look exactly 
square about that Panama canal deal. Is he goin’ to put 
a muzzle onto the press do you reckon? 

Uncle Sam—I don’t know Si. I don’t think the people 
of this country will stand for anybody to put a muzzle on 
the press of this country. Back at the time of the Alien 
and Sedition laws, they tried to muzzle the press of the 
country, and I made them cut it out. I won’t stand for 
anybody to muzzle the pre.se of my country. We will have 
free speech and free press in this country if I have any¬ 
thing to sav about it, and you know me well enough Si to 
know that I’m going to have something to say about it, and 
when I have my say that will be law too, and I’ll promise 
you that they don't muzzle the press of this country, not 
while I’m on top of the ground. I’ll tell you Si. the Re¬ 
publican party has outlived its usefulness. We’ve got to 






46 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


have a change. The Republican party has been in power 
too long, ihe Republican party has got to the point where 
it almost imagines it is bigger than I am. To the point 
where it would like to put me out of business and establish 
a kingdom in this country. So I tell you Si, we have got 
to put the Democratic party in power say for the next 
three or four terms, that is for twelve or sixteen years, and 
then change them, and so on. It won’t never do to let one 
party stay in power too long, if we value our liberties at 
anything. The people should elect a Democratic President 
in 1912, in 1916 and 1920, and that would bring the Repub¬ 
lican party to its serse.s> so that they might be fit to do 
business, for me awhile again. 

Si Perkins—You’re right Uncle, we’d ourght to elect 
Democrat Presidents, for the next two or three terms, and 
you can figure on my votin’ that way and gittin’ everyone 
I can to do the same thing. I’ve got a right smart of in¬ 
fluence around these diggins, and I’m goin’ to use it to get 
out from-in-under this Republican rule. 

Uncle Sam—I’m glad to hear it Si, and I hope that a 
sufficient number of my people, who believe in government 
of the people, by the people, for the people, will do like¬ 
wise to elect a President, for in my opinion the time has 
come when we must have a change to preserve the rights 
for which our Revolutionary fathers, sacrificed, upon the 
altars of my country, their last true mer.sure of devotion. 

Si Perkins—Well Uncle, its drawin’ nigh onto noon, 
and I reckon Mirandy’s about got dinner ready, and you 
might as well come an dhave dinner with r,s. 

Uncle Sam—I shall be delighted to do so Si. I always 
did enjoy Miranda’s dinners. I don’t say it to flatter you 
Si, but she gets up the best dinners I get anywhere. 

Si Perkins—Well, Uncle, Mirandy is a mighty good 
cook all right, of course I have never et any of those hi- 
ka-flu-tin dinners they have at Washington, but I’ve been 
around a right smart, and have et in a good many different 
places in my time, and she’s as good as any of ’em that 
I’ve .seed yet. 






HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


47 



BOSSES 

RULE 

SUCKERS 

BARNUM 

HUMBUG 

TAFT 


KINGDOM 

LIONS 

ROOSEVELT 


Teddy’s Soliloquy, after hearing from the Ohio Primar¬ 
ies. 

Earnum was right when he said ’’The American People 
like to be humbugged,” the vote I received at the Ohio pri¬ 
maries, settled that question in my mind. Didn’t I take 
Taft to a cleaning though, in his own state? I made him 
look like thirty cents. He has no business crossing swords 


























































48 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITIMAL PRIMER. 


with me. Didn’t I show him and the Political Bosses up in 
great shape though? The funny part of it is, I am the big¬ 
gest political Boss in the whole United State.3, myself. But 
the people never suspicioned it, because I have the qualifi¬ 
cations to successfully humbug them. When ib comes to 
humbugging the people, I have Barnum skinned a hundred 
different ways. I have the art down fine. I am the Prince 
of hum buggers. I am al.so the greatest Reformer on Earth. 
I can make the people believe I am giving them a Reform, 
when I am in fact, dishing up Stand-Pat-ism to them. I 
made Taft President, and I would not have put the sucker in 
only I confidently believed be would turn the thing over 
to me in four years. But he got his nut swelled, when he 
got to be President, and hung on like a bull dog, and would 
not let loose, so I had to choke him off. I had to throw 
my hat into the ring, and trot out my Wild East African 
Show in order that I might save the rank and file from 
the rule of the “Posses” and Ec.ss the job myself, 
self. 

I elected Taft President, by making the people think 
he would carry out “My Policies.” I knew he could not 
carry out “My Policies,” because I did not put “My Poli¬ 
cies” in the Republican platform, upon which I elected 
Taft, and all the talk in that campaign about Taft carry¬ 
ing out “My Policies” was hot air manufactured by me 
for the purpose of humbugging the people, and making 
them believe they would get “My Policies” provided they 
would elect Taft. 

“My Policies” are simply Principles of Democracy 
which I .swiped from W. J. Bryan. I swiped them because 
I was smart enough to see that the great majority of the 
common people had learned to love those principles, and 
would in the near future elect a Democratic President on 
those Principles and put the Republican party out of busi¬ 
ness, unless 1 did cwipe them. I did not believe in those 
Principles at the time I swiped them and I don’t believe 
in those principles now, and furthermore, I never will be¬ 
lieve in them; but it was absolutely necessary to swipe 
them and preach them, and humbug the common people, 
by making them believe I would give them thc.se princi- 





HANLEY S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


49 


pies in order to keep the Republican party and “The In¬ 
terests” in power, so I swiped them, and now the common 
people believe I am a Reformer, and that I am even more 
radical than Eryan all of which shows that Barnum’s Nat 
was level when he said the American people liked to be 
humbugged. 

The only thing that sounded anything like those prin¬ 
ciples, which I put in the Republican platform, upon which 
I elected Taft, wa*s a statement that “we believed that the 
tariff should be Revised.” We told the people in that cam¬ 
paign that we were going to take the tariff off of things 
and reduce the tariff, and lower it, and almost made the peo¬ 
ple believe that we were free traders,but when I got Taft ele- 
ted, and the Senate begun to look in its dictionary, it was 
discovered that the word “Revised” as used in said plat¬ 
form, might be construed to mean that the tariff might be 
either Revised downward or upward, so it was accordingly 
Revised upward, and Taft put his “John Hancock” tb the 
Bill, and the people were humbugged again. I knew what 
the word Revised meant at the time Taft and I made that 
Platform. I looked it up in the dictionary. I don’t wheth¬ 
er Taft knew what the word meant, or not. He don’t 
know much anyway. If it had not been for the Republican 
panic which starved all my bears to death, during my last 
administration, I never would have made a President out 
of that chump. If them bears had all lived, I would be 
President myself now, and the people would be breaking 
their necks now to make a King out of me, instead of my 
having to go up and down the Earth showing Taft where 
to get off at. I regretted very much to have to go over to 
the jungles of Africa, and with an army of niggers round 
up another menagerie, but I had sense enough to know 
that since the bears had all died from starvation and the 
epidemic caused by the panic, during my last administra¬ 
tion, something had to be done in order that I might again 
regain the confidence of the people. And I was right, as 
I always am. The Liens, and tigers, and elephants, and 
other beasts of the desert which have survived in the bat¬ 
tles which I fought against them, will fear me till their 
dying days, and will warn their posterity to never let me 




50 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


get within rifle shot of them, and the people of this coun¬ 
try now fully realize that I have carried fear and terror 
to the beasts of the jungles of Africa, that I am the man 
to nominate, and elect for President, as they believe I will 
in the same way carry fear and terror to the “Interests” 
and “Trusts” so I am It now. I am the whole It, and then 
some. 

When Taft carried New York, and got all the delegates 
from that state I began to fear that thepeople were getting 
onto me, but after I knocked the stuffin’ out of Taft in the 
Primaries in Pennsylvania, Illinois, and Massachusetts, I 
knew that my fears were unfounded. 

Lincoln said, “You can’t fool all the people all the 
time.” Lincoln was all right in that -statement at that 
time. But at the time he made that statement, he had not 
known me. If Lincoln were here today, and knew what I can 
do with the people , he would take that statement back. In 
all states where primaries have been held, I have won and 
got most of the delegates. That shows that the rank and file 
of the people are with me. It also shows that the rank and 
file are awful rank. I can preach reform, and assail the 
trusts and interests, just as hard as Bryan can. The only 
difference there is between he and I is that he believes 
what he preaches along that line and I don’t believe anything 
that I preach along that line. The Steel. Trust, the biggest 
trust in the world, has put up over a million dollars in this 
campaign, to enable me to knock Taft out, and get the 
nomination myself. That shows that the Steel Trust is not 
afraid of me, if I get to be President again. 

Most of the other Trusts and “The Interests” are lined 
up for Taft, and when I meet any of their members, they 
run like deer. I wonder why they are afraid of me? I 
have to hop onto them in my speeches and rip them up the 
back in order to humbug the common people, in other words 
the rank and file, so that I may land the nomination, and be 
elected President. The way. they run from me, reminds 
of a fable about a deer that was being chased by some 
hounds. The hounds were baying very loudly and the deer 
which was quite a distance in advance of them, was run¬ 
ning rapidly, and met a fox, and the fox asked the deer 






HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


51 


what it was running for, if it w r as afraid of the hounds. 
The deer answered no, I am not afraid, but I hate the in¬ 
fernal noise. 

I believe that is the way with the trusts, and “tire in¬ 
terests,” they are net afraid of me but they hate the infer¬ 
nal noise I make. 

I have enough delegates now to nominate me, notwith¬ 
standing all the crooked methods, of Taft and his gang to 
defeat me, and I am going to have the nomination. 

There is a great principle at stake in this campaign. 
That principle is as follows to-wit:—“Shall the people 
rule, or shall Taft and (the Bosses rule?” I decided that 
question in favor of the people, when I threw my hat into 
the ring. I decided then and there to be President myself, 
for at least the next four years, and I began to proceed to 
get the necessary delegates to nominate me, and I have got 
them now, and I don’t propose to be beaten out of the 
nomination, by the crooked tactics of Taft and his bunch 
of crooked political grafters. 

I fully realize that. Taft and the bunch have the organi¬ 
zation, and that they intend to run the steam roller over me 
at the Chicago convention, but, they won’t do it. They dare 
not do it. I made Taft everything that he is, and do you 
think I’d let a stiff like him run a steam roller over me? 
I’d like to settle the question of this nomination with Taft 
in a twenty-four foot ring. I’ll bet fifty thousand bear¬ 
skins against the nomination, that I will make him take 
the count, in the first round. 

I understand that Taft and Elihu Root, and the Nation¬ 
al committee, are practicing now with their steam roller 
on the boulevardtS' of Chicago, running over cats and dogs 
and hogs and other domestic animats in order to test the 
flattening qualities of the machine, but that don’t scare me 
a little bit. It is the same old steam roller which the gang 
had at the Republican National convention four yeans ago, 
only they have it repaired up and have put a fresh coat 
of paint on it. I lifted one side of that old steam roller four 
years ago, and done it just as easy, as I used to lift the 
hind wheel of the separator, when I used to run a thresh¬ 
ing machine, and any steam roller that I can lift,won’tflat- 





52 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


ten me out. It would flatten out an ordinary human being, 
but it would not fease me. The gang tried to run that same 
steam roller over me at the last Republican National Con¬ 
vention in 1908 but I saw the thing coming in time, and 
jumped down into a man-hole in a sewer until it passed 
over me, then I jumped up again and nominated Taft, and 
the steam roller never touched me. 

About all that steam roller would do even if the do suc¬ 
ceed in running it over me, would be to rile me up to the 
fighting point. 

The Repulican panic during my last administration, 
killed off all my bears and ruined my menagerie, 
and I’ve been so infernal busy since that time, between 
skinning the bears and subduing the beasts of the deserts . 
of Africa and in collecting a sufficient number of lions, ti¬ 
gers, elephants, giraffes and other beasts and reptiles to 
start a new menagerie, which would have the old one 
skinned a city block, that I have not had the time, to 
build a steam roller that would be suitable to this emer¬ 
gency. 

I don’t think they will run that old steam roller over 
me at the Chicago convention, but if they do, you watch 
my smoke. 

I will build and construct during this summer and fall, 
a .steam roller of colossal proportions, of lightning speed, 
and tremendous weight, and I will run it over Taft and 
Root and the Republican National committee and flatten 
them out so thin, that I can read the election returns 
through them, November the 5th, 1912. I believe in a 
square deal. I gave Taft a square deal in Massachusetts. 

I gave him delegates there which were elected for me. I 
done it because the voters got mixed up with the ballots, 
and had made a mistake, and voted for my delegates, when 
the returns showed they intended to vote for Taft. Do you 
suppose Taft would have done the same thing with me? 
Never. He is so crooked, he can’t lay in bed straight. He 
is owned by the “Bosses” and he is ready, and willing to 
do the will of the Bosses. I have torn the mask off of him, 
in this campaign, and showed him up, as he really is, a 





HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


53 


crooked political grafter, ready to steal delegates, and 
thwart the will of the people. 

“Let the People rule,” is my battle cry. I stole that 
phrase from W. J. Bryan, but I place a different construc¬ 
tion on the language used in that phrase, to what Mr. Bry¬ 
an does. I hold that “The People” used in said phrase 
means the Republican party, and the Republican party 
means Me. 

The Sign Gemini, Sign of the arms; begins May 23rd, 
11:08 P. M., and ends June 22nd, 3:15 A. M. This Sign 
will also be generally disastrous to the Republican Party, 
as the Democratic Party will strike a pugilistic alttitude, 
caused by the influence of the sign. The Sign will influ¬ 
ence great use of the arms, and the Democratic Party al¬ 
ready greatly stirred up by the influence of the two preced¬ 
ing signs, will have its fighting clothes on, and there will be 
something doing, during all of this sign. Fighting Demo¬ 
crats will purchase copies of Hanley’s Revised Political 
Primer and will send them through the mails to weak- 
kneed Democrats, and Progressive Republicans. They will 
also send them to Stand Patters, to make them hot under 
the collar, and there will be a hot time in the old town 
and the weakness will disappear from the knees of weak- 
kneed Democrats, and the disease will pass to and become 
contagious among the members of the Republican party. 
When the Moon signs are in the fishes during this sign 
will be a good time for the Democrats to go fishing. In 
observing the formalities preliminary to fishing, in order 
to insure the desired results, Democrats must state the po¬ 
sition of the party plainly, and say what they mean and 
mean what they say, and must stick to the teachings of 
Jefferson, Jackson and Bryan, otherwise there will be noth¬ 
ing doing. The fish are getting dead onto the fishing 
methods of the Republican party and will not tolerate 
their methods, even though they appear in the guise of De¬ 
mocracy. They are so similar with those methods, that 
they would recognize them even the mantle of Democracy 
is thrown around them. 

C. J. Schmidt of Canton, Ill., writes: I had trouble 
with my throat, heart, stomach and liver, ever since the 




54 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


Republican panic of 1907 and 1908. My stomach was bloat¬ 
ed, although at times there was nothing much in it, except 
some soup, which I got at Republican souphouses, and gas, 
and wind, and I belched up so much gas I could not sleep at 
night. I had lost my courage and did not have as much sand 
as a rabbit. Vv'as no good for myself,or anyone else. Would 
almost faint if I met a railroad official, a manufacturer, 
or a Republican banker. Knew they wanted me to vote 
for Taft, and I done it for fear they might find it out if 
I voted for Bryan. I was given up by the doctors, who all 
agreed that my case was a hopeless one. I sent for a pack¬ 
age of your Revised Political Primer and took as large 
doses of it as my weakened system would permit until I 
used the entire package. The effects were marvelous. I 
am entirely cured, and feel as independent as a hog on ice. 
I -can meet any person now, be he humble or mighty, and not 
get weak in the knees either. I will fight the Republican 
party the longest day I live, and will never again be guil¬ 
ty of voting the Republican ticket. 

The Sign Cancer, Sign of the Breasts begins, June 
22nd, 3:15 A. M., and ends, July 21, 9:34 A. M. This Sign 
this year will be very unfavorable to the Republican party, 
and will be very favorable to the Democratic Party. Dur¬ 
ing this sign, Scrofula, Cancer of the Stomach, worms, fits 
and mis-fits, and King’s evil, will be prevalent, any per¬ 
son or party who inherits a predisposition to any of the 
above maladies, are liable to be stricken with any or all 
of the above named diseases during this sign. Any person 
or party who or which does not inherit such a predisposi¬ 
tion, will be able to throw off the germs of the above 
named diseases which will be prevalent in the atmosphere, 
during this sign. This Sign and the latter week of the 
former sign, Gemini, also encourage the constructive gen¬ 
ius of individuals and parties. It creates in them an intense 
desire to build or construct something. The Republicar 
party will have this desire to construct a platform, and 
the Democratic party will also have this desire to’con¬ 
struct a platform. 

The Republican party having inherited a predisposition 






HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


55 


to all of the above named diseases, will be suffering from 
the above named maladies, when they are at work in the 
construction and building of their platform, and it will be¬ 
come so inoculated with the germs of the abve named 
diseases that the chances are that the Board of health, 
will take the matter in hands and quarantine it before elec¬ 
tion to prevent the spread of the contagion throughout the 
Nation. 

The Democratic party, not having inherited any such 
predisposition, will not be suffering with any of the above 
named maladies and will be enjoying perfect liealth, when 
it is constructing and building its platform, and the plat¬ 
form will be entirely free from the germs of any of the 
above named diseases, and will be in no danger of being 
quarantined. 


LATITUDE OF BOSTON, NEW YORK STATE, IOWA, 



NEBRASKA. 

May, 1912. 

SUN RISES 

SUN 

SETS 

1 

Wed. May Day, St. Philips, St. James. 

4:56 

6:59 

2 

Thurs. 1st to 4th showery, sunshine and 

4:54 

7:00 

3 

Fri. showers for the west and tsouth. 

4:53 

7:01 

4 

Sat. Heavy rains in the east and on the 

4:52 

7:02 

'5 

Sun. Very warm and dry in the southwest 4:50 

7:03 

6 

Mon. Pacific slope. 

4:49 

7:04 

7 

Tues. 5th to 8th, tornadoes and general 

4:48 

7:05 

8 

Wed. rain storms in central states. 

4:47 

7:06 

9 

Thurs. Eruption of Mt. Pelee, 1902 

4:46 

7:08 

TO 

Fri. Hot wave. Unprecedented heat fol- 

4:44 

7:09 

11 

Sat. lowed by Heavy storms in the 

4:43 

7:10 

12 

Sun. Ohio Valley 

4:42 

7:11 

13 

Mon. 

4:41 

7:12 

14 

Tues. 

4:40 

7:13 

15 

Wed. Maximillian surrendered, 1895. 

4:39 

7:14 

16 

Thurs. Ascension Day. 

4:38 

7:15 

17 

Fri. Cool nights and frost in Central 

4:37 

7:16 

18 

Sat. and western states of the north, do- 

4:36 

7:17 




HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


56 


19 

Sun. ing much damage to tender vegeta- 

4:35 

7:18 

20 

Men. tion in those states. 

4:34 

7:19 

21 

Tues. 

4:33 

7:20 

22 

Wed. Hot for the season, with severe 

4:32 

7:21 

23 

Thurs. drouth in Ohio, Ind., and Ill. 

4:32 

7:22 

24 

Fri. About this time cold icy winds wall 

4:31 

7:23 

25 

Sat. sweep down from the west and 

4:30 

7:24 

26 

Sun. Whit Sunday [heavy frosts will 

4:29 

7:25 

27 

Mon. occurr destroying much fruit. 

4:28 

7:26 

28 

Tues. Hot weather will agin set in and 

4:28 

7:26 

29 

Wed. will continue until the end of 



the month. 

4:27 

7:27 

30 

Thurs. Decoration Day. 

4:27 

4:28 

31 

Fri. 

4:26 

7:29 


Be kind to the poor. Christ loved the 

poor. 

Christ 

was 

poor. He had not where to lay his head. Do 

a little 

real charity every week among the poor, and 

don’t let your 

left 

hand know what your right hand giveth; instead of 

proclaiming your charity from the housetops with 

a trum- 

pet. 




LATITUDE OF BOSTON, NEW YORK STATE, 

IOWA, 


NEBRASKA. 




June, 1912. 




SUN RISES 

SUN SETS 

1 

Sat. 

4:26 

7:30 

2 

Sun. Local thunder storms will occur in 

4:25 

7:30 

3 

Mon. most of the central states followed 

4:25 

7:31 

4 

Tues. by intense heat. 

4:24 

7:32 

5 

Wed. High hot winds in the middle and 

4:24 

7:32 

6 

Thurs. Corpus Christy [western states. 

4:24 

7:33 

7 

Fri. Showers attended with fierce thund- 

4:23 

7:34 

8 

Sat. er and lightning. 

4:23 

7:34 

9 

Sun. Threatening weather, with /Strong 

4:23 

7:35 

10 

Mon. indications of Tornadoes in many 

4:23 

7:36 

11 

Tues. St. Barnabas [sections of the north 4:22 

7:36 




HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 57 


12 Wed. turning about this time to good 4:22 7:37 

13 Thurs. promising weather. 4:22 7:38 

14 Fri. This will be a good time to hold the 4:22 7:38 

15 Sat. Republican National Convention. 4:22 7:38 

16 Sun. The weather still continues pro-mis- 4:22 7:39 

17 Mon. ing but will gradually grow hotter. 4:22 7.39 

18 Tues. Intense heat about this time fol- 4:23 7:39 

19 Wed. lowed by fierce electrical storms, 4:23 7:40 

20 Thurs. cyclones and tornadoes, in the 4:23 7:40 

21 Fri. Summer begins, [central and west¬ 
ern states of the north. 4:23 7:40 

22 Sat. About this time a cold wave will 4:23 7:40 

23 Sun. sweep from the Rocky mountains 4:24 7:40 

24 Men. St. John the Baptist. [east thru 4:24 7:40 

25 Tues. the state# to the Alleghany 4:24 7:40 

26 Wed. mountains accompanied by frosts 4:25 7:40 

27 Thurs. which will be injurious to vegeta¬ 
tion. 4:25 7:40 

28 Fri. Strong westerly winds assuming the 4:25 7:40 

29 Sat. St. Peter and St. Paul, [form of 4:24 7:40 

30 Sun. hurricanes will about this time 

blow several days. 4:26 7:40 

Don’t sell your soul to the devil, trying to lay up a 
colossal fortune for your children, for it is the poorest 
heritage you can bequeath to them. 






f>8 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


' m£rn 



LESSON XI* 

Taft’s Soliloquies, after All The Delegates to the Chicago 
Convention had been Elected. 

DICTATION EXERCISES. 

STEAM ROLLER—A -contrivance or mechanical device 
invented for the purpose of showing reformers where 
to get off at. 

REVISED—A word used in the tariff plank of the 
platform of the Republican party ill 1908, to win the elec- 1 
lion and humbug the common people. 

REPUBLICAN PARTY-—An organization which ha.S 
outlived its usefulness, 

CONVENTION—A place to operate steam rollers. 

I am glad the primaries are all over and that we have 
got to the point where we can use the steam roller. 
I have had the nightmare, and have had hideous dreams, 
of being trampled to death by a dark horse every night, 
ever since I heard from the Ohio primaries. 

I have a .sufficient number of delegates to nomi¬ 
nate me for President at the Chicago convention, the 
Statements of Teddy to the contrary, notwithstanding. 
He thinks because he is a member of the Ananias Club, 
in gcod standing, that the people will believe him, when 
he says that he has a sufficient number of delegates, to 
dominate him, I can prove by hits; own utterances,' iii 




















HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 59 


this campaign, that my standing in the Ananias Club 
is just as good as his. 

Therefore 1 don’t think the delegates to the Chicago 
convention will break their necks in an effort to get 
into his Wild East African Side Show. 

When any of us stand-patters quote any of the 'Say¬ 
ings of Teddy, which he has made in the past, which are 
contrary to his statements in this campaign, Teddy at 
once leads out the goat, and straps the offender on its 
back, and makes him ride said goat, and then without 
further ceremony, admits said offender as a full-fledged 
member of the Ananias Club and that seems to settle the 
whole controversy in the great majority of cases. 

Teddy admitted me as a full-fledged member of ther 
Ananias Club in this manner, and I am very frank to say 
that I believe Teddy has relaxed too much, the rules 
governing the admission of members into this Club. While 
it may be that I have the necessary qualifications to en¬ 
title me to membership in this club, I have very great 
doubts concerning my qualifications for such member¬ 
ship, and I would not want to be a full-fledged 
member of the Club unless I could stand squarely 
on its platform, and carry out its principles, and policies. 
Teddy ’’*3 the “Grand Sachem” of the Ananias Club, 
and I think it is quite generally conceded by all Stand- 
Patters, that he has the necessary qualifications for said 
office, and that he has not missed his calling, but it 
seems to me, that he is a little too slack as to the rules 
regulating the admission of members into the Club. 

Teddy is ungrateful. I hate ingratitude. I stood by 
him in his days of adversity and affliction and sorrow. 
I have, in the happy days gone by, been his best friend, 
when his bears all died from starvation, and the 
epidemic, caused by the Republican panic, during his last 
administration, it was I who consoled and comforted him 
in his great bereavement. It was I who was the principal pall 
-bearer at the funeral of said bears. It was I who advised and 
encouraged him to go over to the jungles of Africa and 
capture a sufficient number of lions to fill the vacant 




60 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER, 


chairs which the Teddy bears used to occupy. It was I 
Who promised then, to hold down the Presidential chart 
until the dark clouds which then enveloped him, would 
toll away. It was I who helped him write the tariff 
plank of the Republican platform using the word “Re¬ 
vised” with which be and I jointly humbugged the people, 
and captured the Presidency, and now he comes back 
into this campaign, with his Wild Ea,st African Show and 
Cowboy Side Show, thereto attached, and made a part 
thereof, and throws his hat into the ring and is trying to 
steal the nomination for the Presidency away from me, 
and get it himself. 

He put that Wild East African Show and Cowboy 
Show on in all the States where Presidential Primaries 
were held and humbugged, and entertained the Repub¬ 
licans of those states with it, and told them I was owned 
by the “Bosses” and by “The Interests” and showed them 
how I had betrayed the people, and in fact, gave me 
dead away, all around, while the facts are,that he was in the 
mud him,self as deep as I was in the mire, but he pleased 
them so well with said show, that he skinned me alive, 
in those states and stole nearly all the dele¬ 
gates in those states. I felt the worst about what he done 
to me in Ohio. Stealing all the District delegates, with that 
Show of his, and hi.s false and malicious statements about 
me and carrying my own state against me by thirty thous¬ 
and votes. “That was the most unkind cut of all.” 1 
decided then and there to run the steam roller over him 
and his Show at the Chicago convention. 

It was a great consolation to me to afterwards carry 
my own state at the state convention, and get the “Big 
Six” delegatcts; at large. 

Thanks to the Steam Roller of my home state. I hope 
the “Boys” will apply for a Patent Right on that, and 
get it. That steam roller saved my bacon. If I am elec¬ 
ted President, I will have it placed in the “Art Museum’* 
at Washington, D. C. 

That “Wild East African Show” and “Cow Bov Side 
Show” of Teddy’s beats any political contrivance I have 
fever seen except a Steam Roller. If we had had Presidential 




HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


61 


Primaries;, in every state in the Union, and Teddy had 
put on that show of his in all of them, I would not have 
captured enough delegates to the Chicago Convention to 
make a Corporals Guard. 

When Teddy was President, he and I used to be as 
thick as Nigger Mush, and I know just exactly what kind 
of a freak he is, and know his political secrets and am¬ 
bitions, and I would have given him dead away in this 
campaign for the Nomination, only I felt that I would get the 
Nomination anyway, and I didn’t want to rile him up any 
more than I could help for fear he would bolt and tour 
the whole United States, with his Wild East African Show 
and Cow Roy Side Show, thereto attached and made a part 
thereof, and expose me to the people more notoriously, 
than he has already done, and put the fixin’s to me, at 
the November Election. 

I think it is quite generally conceded by all good 
honest Republicans;, that a National Republican Platform 
is a structure built by said party at its National conven¬ 
tion, upon which the candidate nominated for President, 
at said convention may walk with a reasonable degree of 
safety, from said convention to the White House, at Wash¬ 
ington, D. C., and sit down in the Presidential Chair. 

I was nominated and elected President of the United 
States, in 1908, on that kind of Platform, and Teddy and 
I drank from the same canteen and sweat together while 
we were laboring side by side, in building and construct¬ 
ing that Platform, and now he has traveled up and down 
the Earth, from Maine to Texas, and from post to pillar 
with that show of h;,s> telling the people that I have be¬ 
trayed them, and have failed to carry out the principles 
of that Platform, while the facts are that I can prove by 
the best of evidence, and beyond a reasonable doubt, that 
I weighed three hundred and fifty pounds at the time I 
w?o nominated on that platform and that I walked from said 
convention on said Platform, without a wobble, to the 
White House at Washington, D. C., and sat down in the 
Presidential Chair, and have filled said chair fuller during 
my administration than any President who ever sat in 
said chair in the history of this Nation. 






62 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


When Teddy and I, and a few more of the Boys were 
making that Platform, we put a Tariff plank in it, and 
Teddy hunted up a jaw-breaking word in his dictionary 
to put in that plank. That word was the word “RE¬ 
VISED,” and the Tariff plank with said word, read sub¬ 
stantially a,s follows, to-wit: “We believe that the Tariff 
should be REVISED.” 

That plank and that word “REVISED” has caused 
me more trouble than I ever had in my life, until Teddy 
hopped onto me, in this campaign. 

I called Congress together, soon after my inauguration 
to carry out that plank of said platform, and both 
Houses and “The Press” of the entire Nation, rai*s.ed Cain 
about that Tariff plank, and the meaning of the word “RE¬ 
VISED” during practically all of that session of Congress, 
and finally came to the conclusion, that the word “RE¬ 
VISED” meant to make the Tariff higher, in,stead of lower, 
and passed a Tariff Bill to that effect, and put it up to 
me to sign said Bill. 

When they brought the said Tariff Bill to me to sign, I 
had an appointment with John D. Rockefeller, and J. P. 
Morgan and Jim Hill, to play golf, and I wa,s ; in a hurry 
to get away, and I did not take time to read the said Bill, or 
look up the meaning of the word “Revised” and besides 
I had no Dictionary, even if I had taken time to look up 
the meaning of the word “REVISED,” so I put my “John 
Hancock” to the said Tariff Bill and it became a law, 
and then The Progressive Republicans and the Democrats, 
and the yellow-backed newspapers sent up a hideous howl 
throughout the length and breadth of this land, that I and 
the Stand-Pat element of the Republican party had be¬ 
trayed the people, and the Rank and File went nutty about 
it and got dizzy with the heat, and at the next election, 
elected a Democratic House of Representatives. 

From that time forward, the Progressive Republicans, 
with La.follette and Cummins at their head proceeded to 
make it hot for me and did everything they could to 
knock me out for a second term, but I did not become ser¬ 
iously excited about it, until Teddy emerged from the 
jungles of Africa, with his W51d East African Show and 
Cow Boy Side Show, thereto attached and made a part 






HANLEY'S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


63 


thereof, and threw his hat into the ring and captured La- 
follette and Cummins and the whole Progressive outfit and 
began to pummel the stuffin’ out of me. Teddy and the 
whole Progressive outfit had me stirred up to the fight¬ 
ing point now, and I have the Steam Roller fixed up in 
good shape, and I have weighted it down with the elephant 
and about one hundred tons of sand, and I have a Chauffeur 
to run it, who is a mechanic, and he understands his 
business, and I will run it over Teddy, and the whole 
bloomin’ outfit at the Chicago convention, regardless of 
race, color or previous condition of servitude, and show 
them where to get off at. I don’t propose to be bulldozed 
any longer. 

I will land the nomination for the Presidency, at the 
Chicago convention all right, and I solemnly promise the 
people of this great Nation that if they elect me next Nov¬ 
ember, to the high office of President of these United 
States, that I will buy a Webster’-s Unabridged Dictionary 
and look up the meaning of the word “REVISED” before 
I ever put my “John Hancock” to another Tariff Bill. 

Teddy is chuck full of all kinds of crooked political 
methods and has resorted to all kinds of crooked tactics, 
to steal the uninstructed delegates from the South away 
from me, when he well knew that I had every one of 
them in my vest pocket. He took them up into a very 
high mountain and showed them the kingdoms of the 
earth, and showed them the Post Offices, and other politi¬ 
cal soft snaps, and jobs thereof, and gave them to under¬ 
stand, that he would give them all those things, if falling 
down they would adore him but they told him they were 
under Civil Service rules, and that they felt that the wel¬ 
fare of the people demanded that they should stand by me, 
at the Chicago convention and vote for me till the cows 
come home. When they told him that, he flew off the 
handle and showed them his Wild East African Show and 
Cow Boy Side Show, thereto attached, and made a part 
thereof, and showed them his “Big Stick” and the goat 
and the Ananias Club, and other implements of warfare 
in an effort to terrorize them, and told them there would 
be great weeping and wailing, and great gnashing of teeth, 
but the majority of them stood pat and gave him the horse 




64 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER 


laugh and advised him to back to Sagamore Hill, at Oy¬ 
ster Eay, and drink a quart of catnip tea and soak his 
head in a swill barrel. 

He raised a roar like a full-grown lion from the jung¬ 
les of Africa, because I would not give him two hundred 
and fifty tickets to the Chicago convention. He claimed 
he wanted the tickets for the Roosevelt family and told 
the people that I refused him tickets for his family and 
their social friends. 

I am good in Arithmetic. I know addition, from A 
to izzard, and I understand Subtraction, from Logarithms 
to Genesis, and I have the multiplication table by heart, 
and while I know that Teddy has some well defined views 
on the question of Race Suicide, I can figure that the 
Roosevelt family cannot use two hundred and fifty tick¬ 
ets. 


The real purpose for which he wanted those two 
hundred and fifty tickets was to seat the Cow Boys of 
his Cow Boy Side Show, in the convention, in order that 
they might terrorize my Chauffeur and make him lose his 
nerve when he would start to run the Steam Roller 
through the convention. I was smart enough not to let 
him run that kind of a whizzer on me, >sp I sent him word 
that if he felt he would enjoy the exhibition which I pro¬ 
posed to put on at the Chicago convention, I would have 
the Eoys send him a ticket. 


d he Republican National Committee meets tomorrow 
for the purpose of deciding during the next ten days the 
Contests of the Contesting Delegations from the various 
States from which the Contesting Delegations have been 
elected. The vast majority of those contesting Delegations 
are Roosevelt Delegations, and I don’t see any sense in the 
Boys working their heads off trying to decide those Con¬ 
tests when we have a Steam Roller. 

I believe that when we have labor-saving devices we 
should use them, so I will go down town in the morning 
and get a couple of boxes of Fraser’s axle grease and 
grep.ce the axles of the Steam Roller up in good shape 
and have the Loys use it to decide those Contests That 
will put it in good running order too, for the Convention. 



ONE OF THE FRAUDULENTLY SEATED TAFT 

DELEGATES. 

LESSON XII. 

Indictment. 

In Theodore Roo.sevelt’s Court, In And For Cook 
County, And The State Of Illinois, And The United States 
Of America. 

JUNE TERM, 1912. 

The State of Theodore Roosevelt, Theodore Roosevelt, and 
The Progressive Republicans, Plaintiffs. 

VS. 

The Taft members of the Republican National Committee, 
and W. H. Taft, and the Taft Delegates to the Repub- 







66 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


lican National Convention, and the Ninety Stolen Taft 

Delegates, Defendants. 

The Grand Jury of Theodore Roosevelt, in and for the 
State of Illinois, the State of California and the United 
States of Amierica, in the name and by the authority of the 
Progressive Republicans, accuse the Taft Members of the 
Republican National Committee, and one W. H. Taft, of the 
Crime of MURDER, committed as follows, to-wit:— 

COUNT ONE. 

For that the said members of the Republican National 
Committee, and the said W. H. Taft did, on the 12th day 
of June, in the Year of Our Lord, 1912, in the county of 
Cook, in the State of Illinois, with force and Arms, and 
Malice aforethought, commit an Assault, on two Roosevelt 
Delegates from the fourth District, of the State of Cali¬ 
fornia; The said members of the said National Commit¬ 
tee, and the said W. H. Taft, being then and there armed 
with a deadly weapon, to-wit a Steam Roller loaded with 
the Elephant, the said members of said National Committee 
the said W. H. Taft, one hundred tons of sand, and the 
Chauffeur of said Steam Roller, said Steam Roller then and 
there carrying a head of five hundred pounds of steam. 

The said members of said National Committee, and 
the said W. H. Taft did, then and there, with force and 
Arms and Malice aforethought, and with intent then and 
there to kill and Murder the two said Roosevelt Delegates, 
point said Steam Roller at the said two Roosevelt Delegates 
and did then and there cause the Chauffeur of said Steam 
Roller to pull wide open the throttle of the engine thereof, 
and run said Steam Roller, loaded as aforesaid, in, agairst 
over and upon the persons and bodies, of the said two 
Roosevelt Delegates, flattening said Delegates out as thin as 
Bear skins, and inflicting on said two Roosevelt Delegates 
then and there, mortal wounds, from which mortal wounds 
said Delegates did then and there languish, and then and 
there languishing, did then and there die. 

Contrary to the form of Statute in such cases made 
and provided, against the peace and dignity of the State 






HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


67 


of Illinois and the State of California and the United 
States of America. 

COUNT TWO. 

The said members of the said National Committee and 
the said W. H. Taft did then and there commit the Crime 
of Robbery, in the manner and form, as follows, to-wit:—• 
The said members of said Republican Committee, did then 
and there with force and Arms, and by putting- in fear, 
armed with a deadly weapon; /to-wit:—A Steam Roller, load¬ 
ed and operated, as stated in Count one hereof; take, rob, 
steal and carry away from the persons, of the defunct 
remains of the said two Roosevelt Delegates; Two Delegate 
Badges of the value, then and there, of two votes for the 
Nomination cf one Theodore Roosevelt; good and lawful 
Delegates of the State of California; and did then and there 
with force and Arms, and with intent to Rob, and Steal; 
pin said badges, stolen as aforesaid, on two Taft Delegates 
from said State, and did then and there with force and 
Arms, and Malice aforethought, and with intent to Rob, and 
Steal, Seat said two Taft Delegates, adorned and armed with 
said Stolen Badges, in the Republican National Convention 
at Chicago, Illinois. 

Contrary to the form of Statute, in such cases, made 
and provided, and against the peace and dignity of the 
State of California, the State of Illinois; and the United 
States of America. 

COUNT THREE. 

The said Grand Jury also accuse said members of the 
said Republican Committee, and the said W. H. Taft, of 
the crime of murder committed as follows, to-wit:— For 
that the said members of the Republican National Com¬ 
mittee and the said W. H. Taft, did, on the tenth, eleventh, 
twelfth, thirteenth and fourteenth days, of June, in the year 
of Our Lord, 1912, in the county of Cook, and the State 
of Illinois, with force and Arms and Malice aforethought, 
commit an assault on fifteen Roosevelt Delegates; Two 
from the Ninth .Alabama District; Two from the Thir¬ 
teenth Indiana District; Six from the State of Arizona; 



68 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


one from the Eleventh Kentucky district; two from the 
Ninth Tennessee district; two from the Third Oklahoma 
district. 

The said members of the said Republican National Com¬ 
mittee, and the said W. H. Taft, being then and there 
armed with a deadly weapon, to-wit:—A Steam Roller, 
loaded as alleged in Count One hereof, did, then and there, 
with force and Arms, and Malice aforethought, and with 
intent to then and thede kill and Murder the said Roose¬ 
velt Delegates; point said Steam Roller, at said Roosevelt 
Delegates, and did then and there, run said Steam Roller 
as alleged in Count One hereof, in and against, over and 
upon the persons and bodies, of said Roosevelt Delegates, 
inflicting on said Roosevelt Delegates, Mortal wounds, 
from which said Mortal wounds said Roosevelt Delegates 
did then and there flumix, and kick, and flumixing and 
kicking, did then and there, croak and die. 

Contrary to the Statute in such cases, made and pro¬ 
vided, and against the peace and dignity of the Republi¬ 
can party. 

COUNT FOUR. 

The said members of the said Republican National 
Committee, and the said W. H. Taft, did then and there 
commit the crime of Robbery, in the manner and form 
as follows, to-wit:—The said members of said committee 
and the said W. H. Taft, did then and there, with force 
and Arms, and by putting in fear, armed with a deadly 
weapon, to-wit a Steam Roller, loaded and operated as 
alleged in Count One hereof; take, rob, steal, and carry 
away from the bodies and persons of said dead Roosevelt 
Delegates, Fifteen Delegate badges, good and lawful Dele¬ 
gate badges of said Delegates, and did then and there 
with treason, and with force and Arms, and with intent 
to Rob and Steal, pin said Badges, stolen as aforesaid, 
on fifteen alleged Taft Delegates and seated said freaksi 
with said stolen property on their persons, as Taft Dele¬ 
gates in the Republican National Convention at Chicago 
Illinois. 

Contrary to the Statute in such cases made and pro- 





HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


69 


vided, and against the peace and dignity of the Republican 

party. 

COUNT FIVE. 

The said Grand Jury, also accuse the said members of 
the said Republican National Committee and the said W. 
H. Taft of the crime of MURDER, committed as follows, 
to-wit:— For that the said members of the Republican 
National Committee and the said W. H. Taft, did on or 
about the days mentioned in Count Three, hereof, and al¬ 
so on the 15th and 17th days of June, in the year of Our 
Lord, 1912, in the county of Cook, and state of Illinois, 
with force and Arms and Malice aforethought, commit an 
Assault on Seventy-three Roosevelt Delegates, Twenty-six 
of said Delegates being from the State of Texas, Fourteen 
from the state of Washington, Eighteen from the state 
of Virginia, Two from the District of Columbia, Two from 
the state of Arkansas, Six from the state of Ohio, Four 
from the state of Michigan and one from the state of 
-Kentucky. 

The said members of the said Republican National 
Committee and the said Wl H. Taft, being then and there 
armed with a deadly weapon, to-wit:—A steam Roller, 
loaded as alleged in Count One hereof, did then and there 
with force and Arms and deliberate crookedness, and with 
intent then and there to Kill and Murder the said Roose¬ 
velt Delegates, point said Steam Roller at said Roosevelt 
Delegates and did then and there, run said Steam Roller, 
loaded and operated as alleged in Count One hereof, into, 
against, over, and upon the persons and bodies of said 
Roosevelt Delegates, potting said Delegates out of business, 
and inflicting on the persons and bodies of said Rosevelt 
Delegates, Mortal wounds, from which said Mortal wounds, 
Said Rooseyelt Delegates did then and there pass in their 
checks and kick the bucket, and die. 

Contrary to all decency and square deals and con¬ 
trary to the form of the Statute in .such case made and pro' 
vided to the utter humiliation of all honest Progressive 
Republicans, and against the peace and dignity of the Re¬ 
publican party. 





70 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 

COUNT SIX. 


The said members of the said Republican Committee 

and the said W. H. Taft, did then and there, commit the 

crimes of Robbery, Larceny and General all around crook¬ 
edness, in the manner and form as follows to-wit:—The 
said members of the said Republican National Committee, 

and the said W. H. Taft, did then and there, with force 

and Arms and with Malice aforethought, and by putting 
in fear, armed with a deadly weapon, to-wit, a Steam Rol¬ 
ler, loaded and operated as alleged in Count One hereof, 
and with intent to Rob, Steal and Plunder, and Thwart 
the Will of the People, take, Rob, Steal and carry away 
from the remains, bodies and persons of the Seventy- 
three Roosevelt Delegates, who were by said Republican 
National Committee and the said W. H. Taft, Murdered 
as alleged in Count Five hereof; Seventy-three Delegate 
badges, said Badges being the property of said Roosevelt 
Delegates, and being of the value of Seven-three votes 
for the Nomination for President, of one Theodore Roose¬ 
velt, good and lawful Delegate Eadges of the said Mur¬ 
dered Delegates, and did then and there, with treason and 
with force and Arms, and Malice aforethought, and with 
intent to Rob and Steal and Thwart the W'ill of the Peo¬ 
ple, and put Taft and the Bosses and political Crooks in 
power, pin said Delegates Badges, stolen as aforesaid, 
on the Seventy-three alleged Delegates of the said W. H. 
Taft and seated said Scoundrels, with said stolen pro¬ 
perty on their persons, as Taft Delegates, in the Repub¬ 
lican National Convention, at Chicago, Illinois, 

Contrary to a square deal, contrary to all political fair¬ 
ness, honesty, decency, and Righteousness and in open 
defiance of the Big Stick, and to the utter Disgust and 
Contempt of ail honest Progressive Republicans, and hon¬ 
est, square dealing men, of all Political Parties, and 
against the Peace and Dignity, of what little Peace and 
Digmtv there is left in the Republican Party, and against 
the Peace and Dignity of this Republic, 



HANLEY'S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


71 


COUNT SEVEN. 

The said Grand Jury also accuse the Taft Members of 
the said National Republican Committee, and the said W. H. 
Taft and the Taft Delegates to the Republican National 
Convention, at Chicago, Illinois, and the said Ninety Stolen 
Taft Delegates fraudulently seated with their stolen Bad- 
.ges, stolen as alleged in the several Counts of this In¬ 
dictment, of the Crimes of Conspiracy, Robbery, Theft and 
.Accessories before the fact, and after the fact, of Murder, 
Robbery, Larceny, Theft and general all around Crooked¬ 
ness committed in the manner and form as follows, to- 
wit: — 

For that the said Members of the said Republican 
National Committee and the said W. H. Taft, and the said 
Taft Delegates of said Republican National Convention, 
and, the said Ninety Stolen Taft Delegates; did, on the 
18th, 19th, 20th, 21st and 22nd days of June, in the year of 
Our Lord, 1912, in the County of Cook, and the State of 
Illinois, then and there, with force and Arms and Malice 
-aforethought, and with intent to Rob and Steal and Plun¬ 
der, and condone the Crimea of the said National Commit¬ 
tee and .-ttjjg-said W. H. Taft, and thwart the will of the 
people, by putting in fear, \Arnred with a deadly weapon 
to-wit, a Steam Roller, loaded and operated as alleged in 
Fount One hereof; point said Steam Roller at the Roosevelt 
Delegates to said Convention, and at one Theodore Roose¬ 
velt, in said Convention in the Coliseum, and did then and 
there with force and Arms, and Malice aforethought, and 
with intent to commit the Crime of Conspiracy, and with 
intent to Rob and ratify the Action of the said National 
Committee in stealing 90 Delegates and Badges, steal and 
plunder and thwart the will of the people; run said Steam 
Roller at an unlawful and Criminal rate of speed, into, 
against, over and upon the persons and bodies of said 
Roosevelt Delegates, and the said Theodore Roosevelt, put¬ 
ting .said Roosevelt Delegates and the said Theodore Roose¬ 
velt out of business in said Convention, and so Crippling 
said Roosevelt Delegates and the said Theodore Roosevelt, 
so that they, and each and every one of them, were unfit 
Tor any further service in said Convention, and were un- 




72 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER 


able to take any further part in the same and said Taft 
Delegates and said Stolen Ninety Taft Delegates did, then 
and there, conspire with said Republican National Com¬ 
mittee and the said W. H. Taft, to commit the Crimes of 
Murder, Robbery, Theft, and all around crookedness by 
ratifying the action of the said Republican National Com¬ 
mittee and the said W. H. Taft in seating in said Conven¬ 
tion said Ninety Stolen Delegates with said stolen Bad¬ 
ges on their persons, and did then and there allow and 
permit said Stolen Delegates to participate in the pro¬ 
ceedings cf said convention and vote the same as lawfully 
elected delegates, thereby making an apparent majority 
for the Nominatio of the said W. H. Taft, and did then and 
there and by the aid of said stolen delegates, Nominate the 
said W. H. Taft for President of these United States, and 
did then and there thwart the will of the people and ruin the 
said Republican Party and render its house a fit abode 
and rendezvous for Thieves and Robbers, and did thereby 
render said house an unfit place for Roosevelt Republicans 
to remain over night in. 

Contrary to the form of tthe Statute in such cases made 
and provided and contrary to the commandment, “Thou 
shalt not steal,” and contrary to all justice and morality, 
and contrary to the will of the people and in the interests 
of the trusts, grafters and political crooks, and all other 
crooks and leeches, and against the Peace and Dignity of 
this Republic. 

COUNT EIGHT. 

The said Grand Jury also accuse the said Taft Mem¬ 
bers, of the said Republican National Committee, and 
the said W. H. Taft and the Taft Delegates of said Repub¬ 
lican National Convention and the said Ninety Stolen Taft 
Delegates, of the Crime of Murder committed as follows 
to-wit:— The said Taft Members of said National Commit¬ 
tee and the said W. H. Taft, and the said Taft Delegates 
of the Republican National Convention, and the said Nine¬ 
ty Stolen Taft Delegates, did then and there, on the 22nd 
day of June, in the year of Our Lord, 1912, in the county 
cf Cook in the State of Illinois, with force and Arms and 
Malice aforethought, and with intent to kill and Murder, 




HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


make an assault upon a certain Elephant, owned by the 
Republican party, said Elephant being about the age of 
fifty-three years, said Elephant being an inhabitant of the 
United States of America. 

The said Taft Members of the Republican National 
Committee and the said W. H. Taft and the said Taft Dele- 
gates of .said Republican National Convention, and the 
said Ninety Stolen Taft Delegates, being then and there 
armed with deadly weapons, to-wit:— A Steam Roller, 
and Ninety Log Chains, and Ninety Crow Bars, and Ninety 
full Doses of the Rankest of Poison, extracted from said 
Ninety Stolen Taft Delegates, and a Shovel. 

The said Taft Members of the Republican National 
and the .said W. H. Taft and the said Taft Delegates of 
said Republican National Convention and the said Ninety 
Stolen Taft Delegates, did then and there, with force and 
Arms and Malice aforethought, and with intent then and 
there, to kill and Murder said Elephant, point said Steam 
Roller at said Elephant, and did then and there run said 
Steam Roller at an unlawful rate of speed into and against 
the body and person of said Elephant, knocking said ED 
ephant down, and upsetting said Elephant flat on it.s back, 
and did then and there fasten said Ninety log chains to 
the legs and body and Proboscis of said Elephant, and 
did then and there fasten said chains to the Pillars of the 
Coliseum in which said conventim was held, chainirg the ele¬ 
phant flat on its back so that it was helpless; and did then 
and there, with the said Ninety Crow Bars, pry open the 
mouth of said Elephant and hold the same open with said 
Crows Ears, and did then and there, with said Shovel, 
.shovel said Ninety doses of said rankest poison (extrac¬ 
ted as aforesaid from said Ninety Stolen Delegates) into 
the mouth, and down the throat, and into the stomach 
of said Elephant, thereby administering said poison to 
.said Elephant, thereby inflicting on said Elephant with, 
and by said poison, administered as aforesaid, a Mortal 
wound, from which Mortal wound, said Elephant did, 
then and there go into convulsions, and writhe and groan 
and twist and squirm, and flumix and kick; and 
writhing and groaning, and twisting and flumixing, and 




*4 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER 


.3k 


kicking, did then and there, flumix and kick, and croak 
and die, 

Contrary to the Statute in such cases made and pro- 4 
Vided, and contrary to the Commandment, “Thou shalt not 
kill,” and contrary to a >s.quare deal and to the utter dis- 
gust and contempt of all honest Progressive Republicans, 
and fair minded men of all Political Parties, and against 
all the peace and dignity which the Republican party ever* 
possessed. 

THEODORE ROOSEVELT, 
Attorney for the Progressive Republicans. 

Comes now the Defendants, by their Attorney, W. H, 
*Taft, and DEMURS, to the indictment in the above entit- 4 
led Cause on the following grounds, to-wit: — 

~ -1. Said Indictment charges the Defendants, with 

more than One crime. It charges said Defend¬ 
ants with a large number of separate and dis- 4 
tinct crimes, against separate and distinct per¬ 
sons, ahd against the Elephant and the Law and 
the Statute reads, that an Indictment must 
charge but ciie offense. 

!2. Said separate crimes Should have been charged 
in separate Indictments. 

3. Said Indictment is for bad duplicity. 

For all* of the above three reasons, this Demurrer, 
Should be be (sustained. 

W. H. TAFT, 

Attorney for the Defendants. 

Demurrer fully argued and submitted. 

The Court having read said Demurrer, and having 
heard the arguments of counsel, and being fully advised 
in the premises is cf the Opinion that a person or persons 
who are indicted for a large number of the very rankest 
of Crimes, ^should not escape the penalties of the Law on 
Technicalities; Therefore the Demurrer is overruled and 
the case is set for Trial at the November Term of this 
Lourt. 

THEODORE ROOSEVELT, Judge, 
Also attorney for the Progressive Republicans, 




HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 7,1 



LESSON XIII. 

Mike (PBeilGy and Pat Casey on the Baltimore Convene 

tion and Current Politics. 

The top av the mornin’ to yez Mike. It’s delighted 
I am to see yez back from the Dimacratic Convintion, at 
Ealtimore, with a tshmile on yez like William Jennings, 


















































Hanley's revised political primer. 


7b 


an not bate up any worse than yez are. Tell me about the 
Convintion. I want to hear the thruth from an eye wit¬ 
ness to see if it confirrems the reports av the newspapers. 

Ah Pat, it wa»s a jewel av a foight and the only thing 
that’s lackin’ in it is, that Bryan hasn’t an O in front of 
his name. If we had a Lather like him in Ould Ireland, 
for thie last sixteen years, the flag of Tyranny and op- 
prishion wouldn’t be a floatin’ over the Ould Sod today. 

He put a resolushun thru the Convintion, radin’ J. 
P. Morgan, Perry Belmont and Thomas Fortune Ryan out 
av Dimicratic party to th’ thune av eight hundred, and 
eighty noine for, to one hunahred and nointy six aginst, an 
wrote the best Dimocratic platforrum in the hull history 
av the counthry. He med Tammany look like thirty cints, 
and med thim vote for the resolushun an fer the platfur- 
rum. He got thim up in a corner, and shuck his fist un- 
dher ther noses, and red the roit act to thim, and ivery 
mothers son iv thim wilted like cabbage laves iv a hot 
mornin’, an he landed the nominashun for Woodhrow 
Wilson, a sthrong progressive Dimicrat, and one of the 
finest gintlemin yez iver met. I don’t know whither 
there’s iny Irish bludd ini Wcoddhrow or not, and nathur 
do I care, so long as I know he’s a Thrue loyal Dimicrat 
av the Jifferson, Jackson, 0. Bryan schule. I’m proud 
av the Irish bludd, that flows thru the veins of William 
Jennings an I think more av him since this foight he 
med at Balthimore, than I iver did before, an I’m proud 
av the Dimicratic party fer the way they daportid thim- 
Silves an fought an knocked ache other down and bate the 
life out av aeheother, and thin rallied round the princi- 
puls av Jifferson an’ Jackson an’ Bryan, and tuck the 
phlutochrabs be the knap av the nick and sate uv the pants 
an kicked thim bodily out av the convintion. It Dimuns- 
thrates, Pat, that th’ time hes cum, whin the payple have 
deccided that tha have since enuff to rhule. 

Bryan is a thrue pathriot, Pat. He diminsthrated to 
the Dimacratic convintion an to the payple of the intire 
hation, that he loves his Counthry bether than he loves the 
office av Prisidint. 

He sacrificed his ambition for the sake av the Dima- 






HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


77 


cratic party an fur the luv av his Counthry. He is the 
unly man in the political worruld today who wud not 
have ghrasped the golden opportunity to become Prisi- 
dint. lnstid av doin’ that he let it shlip by in ordher to pre- 
vint Wall sthrate an the Ryans an Morgan an Belmont 
from gittin’ ther hans on the throte av the Dimicratic 
party, and sthranglin, it, an thwartin’ the will av the 
payple. 

He was the Haro av the hour. The man who samed 
distined to save this Counthry av ours, in this thremenduus 
chrisi.s in the battle av the payple aginst the intrinched 
forces of graade and corruptshun. 

I was delighted with the way Cham Klarke daported 
himsilf afther he tuk the count in forty sixth round. 
He cum out av his corner, afther he wus rubbed down, 
and shuck hans with Woodhrow Wilson, an med up with 
him like a gintlemin, an pledged him his honist an fathe- 
ful support in the race fur the Pri,sidincy, an Bryan deliv- 
erid his Vally dictoruhm an turned over the Lathership 
to Woodhrow Wilson in worruds that nathur tung nur 
pin kan deschribe, and thin we Nomynated John Marshel 
av Indiana fure Vice Prisirint, and thin ivery body wint 
home, happy, satisfoid an contintid, with malice tords 
none, and charity tords all. 

There’s no diisagraymint between meself, an ye, Mike, 
about the Dimacratic Convintin bein’ a Jewel of a foight. 
I red all about the Convintion in the knuse papures at 
the toime, but I’d always rather see a foight meself, or 
have ye tell me about it, fur thin I know I got it sthraight. 

It looks to me like Woodhrow, id have aisy sailin, an 
be illicitid Prisidint, hands down. 

The ways that Tiddy and Taft hev lambasted aich 
other, an called aich other liars an thaves and robbers, an 
put iverybody thet disagrayed with thim in the Ananois Club 
is a disgrace to th civilizud worruld. An the konklushun 
ive kem to about thim is thet tha ayre both ive thim,, 
tin times krookeder than aich other. Its an ould sayin 
that “whin rogues fall out, just min git their jues,” so I 
belave now that the Dimicratic pahrty, next Novimber, will 
git fwhat hes bin jue to it fur the last sixtheen yares. 






78 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


Anothur ivint id like to live to say too is, id like to 
sa Bryan illietid Prisidint in four yares from this. He’s 
intetled to it from ivery standpint av justice an morality, 
it’s himself that’s divided the Faypublican parthy an put 
thim at aich others th rotes and made the suciss av 
Dimicratic principuls possibul. He edgecated th’ Dimi¬ 
crats till they had since inuff to hold th kind uv a Con- 
vintion they hild at Baltimore an he edgecated the Ray- 
publican parthy so thet half ive thim is Dimicrats, an 
hsvint got since enuff to know it. He’s aisily the ablest 
man in the worruld av politiks, in this generashun, an 
the Dimicrats hadn’t ought to let him die until he finishes 
the great worruk by survin’ the Nation in th’ capacity 
av Prisidint. An afther he serves thim six yeres as Pris¬ 
idint he ought to live till he doies. 

Ther’s wan thing I’m awful glad the Dimicratic par¬ 
thy put in the platforrum at the Baltimohre Convintion an 
that is wan terrum fur Prisidint, an that fur six yares. If 
we win the illicition this yare, we will carry out that 
plank, an thet will privint Teddy an such frakes as him, 
from sthalin the liberties av the payple and makin’ a 
King out av himsilf. 

I belave mesilf Pat, that Bryan will be illietid Prisi¬ 
dint in Nointeen hundhred an sixtheen, be the most over- 
whilmin majarity that iver a Candydate fer Prisidint 
recaved in the howl histhory av the Counthry, an I belave 
that he will thin write aknew the Declaration av indipind- 
ince, an inschroibe it feriver, in the harrits av the Amer¬ 
ica 0 Payple, an that Wooddhrow Wilson will be illietid 
Prisidint this yeai an thet he will pave the way fer thet 
great evint. 

The Raypublican parthy has bin in power so long, an 
hev becem so rotten and korrupt, that it hez no use' fer 
the Declaration av indipindince, an belaves that Jiffirson 
was dizzy with the hate an hed wather on the bhrane whin 
he wrote thet emmorthal dockumint. 

The Raypublican parthy don’t belave in that fundi- 
mintil principul enunsheated in the Diclarashun av In- 
lpindince “We belave that all min are created aquil ” 
I art an the Raypublican parthy belave thet unly a ripri- 






HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


79 


sintitive part av the payple are created aquil. That wuz 
dimin,sthratid at the Raypublican Convintion at Shecargo, 
whin Taft an the Raypublican Nashunal committy shtole 
Nointy av th’ Ruff Ridhers lawfully illictid Diligates an 
murthered thim with a sthame roller, an satid in the Con¬ 
vintion in ther sates, Nointy frodulintly illicted Dile¬ 
gates av the sthand patther varoiety. It wasn’t a square 
dale Pat, an I don’t blame Tiddy fur giftin’ on th’ war 
path about it. 

Wfhat I do blame Tiddy fer is oi don’t belave he is 
hone.st athur. If he wuz, he wud hev cum over into the 
Dimicratic parthy loike a man, (becase he claims to be¬ 
lave in the Docthrines av Dimocracy, thet Bryan hes 
prached fer the last sixtheen years), instid av startin a 
knew parthy av his own, thus dividin’ the progressive 
forces av the Counthry with his WildAste Afrikin Show 
an Cow Boy Annix, an thryin to sthale th’ progrissive Dim¬ 
icratic vote be misriprisintashun. 

I don’t thing iny av the Dimicrats i’l be suckers inuff 
to vote fur him if he diz nomynate himsilf fer Prisidint 
th’ 5th av August at his “Thou shalt not sthale,” Convin¬ 
tion. 

The only principul thet Tiddy has contindid fer in his 
campaighn fer th’ nominashun fer Prisidint up tiv this 
toime is “Thou shalt not sthale diligates or Prisidintial 
nominashuns, an I belave the unly platforrum he belaves 
in can be roate in .sivin worruds. “Rasolvid that oi will 
be illictid Prisidint.” 

He hed a chance to roite a progrissive platforrum 
four yeres ago whin he nomynatid Taft fer Prisidint, an’ 
instid av doin’ thet, he kicked out all the Progrissive planks 
he hed stolen frim Bryan, and kicked out all of La- 
follitt’s Progrissive planks, thet Lafollitt had stolin frim 
Bryan, an roate in its sted th’ kruckedist sthand-pat plat¬ 
forrum thet a Prisidint wus iver illicitid upon. He used 
th’ worrud “Revoised” in th’ taruff plank av thet platfor¬ 
rum an humbugged the payple with thet worrud, an med 
thim belave thet it mint to rajuce th’ taruff instid av to 
inerase it, an he illictid Taft fur Pri.s.idint on thet kind 
av a platforrum an on thet kind av misriprisintashun; so 




80 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


thet I don’t belave Pat, thet ther is a progressive bone in 
his hul body, and I belave thet he belave.s in anythin to 
win, an’ thet he is chock full av hot air an’ decait, an' 
don’t intind to kape any promisez thet he make.s to th’ 
payple. 

If Tiddy hed kapthured the nominashun this yere at 
Sheeargo, instid av Taft, I firremly belave he wild hev 
purmitted the sthand-patthers to roite the platforrum an’ 
kick out all av the Progrissive planks, the same as he 
kicked out all av the progrissive planks himsilf whin he 
nominatid Taft, an’ roate the platforrum four years ago, 
so thet in my opinyen the unly thing thet Tiddy is sore 
about is becase he didn’t git th’ nominashun, an thet he 
cares nuthin’ fur th’ progrissive principuls. 

He might a.s well lave his Bull Moose in th’ sthable 
an cancil th’ dates av his Wbilde Aiste African Show, an’ 
quit th’ Prisidintial bisniss, fur th’ ividince is all aginst 
him, an’ th’ Joory will convict both him an’ Taft at th’ 
Novimber illictshun an’ will put Wooddhrow Wilson in th* 
Prisidinshul chair. 

Therse wan grate sarvice Mike, thet Tiddy hes rind- 
herd to his counthry thet he’s entitled to cridit fer, an 
thet is fer techin’ the match at Shecrago to th’ fuse av th* 
moines thet Bryan hed led undher th’ Raypublican parthy, 
an’ blowin’ it inive smitherines. 

Taft dhrapptid th’ worrud “Ravoised” frum the taruff 
plank av th Raypublican party this year at th Sheeargo Con- 
vintion and an’ in its sthead he roate in the knue plank 
av the platforrum the worrud “Adakwate” an ixpicts to 
bulljoze the vothers with th’ knue worrud “Adakwate,” th’ 
same as he an’ Tiddy did with th’ ould worrud “Revoised.” 






HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 81 


LESS OH XIV. 

Taft Soliloquies Continued. 

I am the victim of the Roosevelt Cospiracy and the 
Republican party is al.so a victim of said Conspiracy, and 
our faithful old Elephant has lost its life in said Conspir¬ 
acy. 

Roosevelt says that I and the Republican National Com¬ 
mittee, and my delegates, and ninety delegates which he 
says I stole from him, murdered the Elephant by adminis¬ 
tering poi.son to said Elephant in the Coliseum, and he has 
indicted us for the murder of said Elephant. The chargo 
is false and malicious and we plead Not Guilty. 

We never extracted any poison from the delegates 
which we stole from Roosevelt, and did not force said poi.s¬ 
on into the mouth, an ddown the neck and throat, and into 
the stomach of said Elephant, and we can satisfy any im¬ 
partial jury that we did not, by the best of evidence and 
beyond a reasonable doubt, and we will do so when the 
case is tried at next November Term of Court. 

The said Elephant died of a broken heart and its heart 
was broken by the Roosevelt Conspiracy, and I feet confi¬ 
dent that the trial jury will return a verdict to that effect 
on the the fifth day of next November. 

We had a coroner’s inquest held over the body of 
said Elephant with six of the ablest stand-patters in the 
Republican party composing the coroner’s jury of said in¬ 
quest, and with Mr. Hilles, my campaign manager, sitting 
as coroner, and we had three noted chemists, Penrose, Root 
and Guggenheim, and they all testified that they took out the 
stomach of said Elephant and analyzed the same, and that 
they found no poi.son, in the stomach of said Elephant, 
and that they took out the heart of said Elephant and ana¬ 
lyzed it and found that the right auricle and the left auri¬ 
cle were torn apart and that the left ventricle was shat¬ 
tered by an undue rush of blood to that region of the 
heart, and that said abnormal rush of blood was due to 
intense mental excitement, and that the walls of said auri¬ 
cles and said ventricle of said heart gave away, and col¬ 
lapsed and broke under a depressed condition of said Ele- 







82 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


pliant, caused by great humiliation and sorrow and mental 
depression, and said coroner’s jury returned a unanimous 
verdict that said Elephant died of a broken heart, and 
that its heart was broken by the Roosevelt Conspiracy. 

Teddy with his henchmen, hatched that Conspiracy 
some time ago, and put up fake delegations, consisting of 
over two hundred fake delegates, and there was over two 
hundred of those fake contests, which the Roosevelt mem¬ 
bers of the National Committee could not keep on their 
stomachs and they vomited them out of their mouths, 
and voted with the Taft members of said Committee 
against the seating of said delegates. This shows that 
Teddy and his henchmen tried to steal two hundred fake 
delegates to the National Convention by puuting up those 
two hundred fake delegates, and in bringing those two hun¬ 
dred fake contests and he has the monumental gall to 
come out now and bolt the Republican Ticket and start a 
New Party of his own, and run for President and put a 
plank in his platform, as follows: “Thou shalt not steal.” 

Teddy stole the Panama Canal Zone from Colombia, 
and he broke into W. J. Bryan's smoke house, where Bry¬ 
an had his old clothes stored, and stole Bryan’s old clothes, 
and went masquerading around in them, and he even tried 
to steal Bryan’s smile, but he could not steal that, and 
he could not have used it anyway, because it would not 
fit over Teddy’s teeth. He also stole Lafollette’s thunder, 
and in my opinion he would steal the Presidency, if he 
could and I believe I am right in that opinion, because 
he stole all of the abovenamed articles with intent to get 
into the Presidential chair again, and he now thinks he 
can bulldoze the voters of this Republic and capture the 
Presidency by stealing one of the Commandments of God. 
and using it for a plank in his platform. 

If he .succeeds in stealing the Presidency, he will want 
to steal the liberties of the People away from them and 
make a King, or Czar out of himself. His ambition knows 
no bounds. 

He is breaking a Bull Moose, I understand and thinks 




HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 83 


he can win the Presidential race with it, but I expect to 
hear before the race is over, that the Bull Moose will fly 
the track and run away with Teddy, and loose the race. 
Such animals r.s. that are unreliable for a race of this 
kind. 

I would rather see the donkey win the race than to 
see that Bull Moose win it. I believe that Teddy has made 
such an infernal fool of himself, and of the Republican 
party in this campaign, that Woodrow Wilson will ride 
that Donkey up to the White House, a hundred miles 
ahead of Teddy, and I. 

The National Committee and I, bought an Elephant 
from Ringling Brothers the other day, and while I gave it out 
to Reporters that it is ?.s speedy as the old Elephant was, 
such is not that facts in the case, as I have discovered 
that it has the heaves and is short winded. 

My campaign manager is a good veterinary surgeon, 
and he .says that if we feed the Elephant on grass, and 
other green things the heaves will not bother it and its 
wind will get all right, but I am afraid we will run out 
of green things to feed the Elephant, but he seems to 
think that there is an abundance of green things in this 
country, and in support of that contention, he cites the 
fact that in the campaign of 1908, we used the word “Re¬ 
vised” in the Tariff plank of the Republican platform, 
and the green suckers of voter.s. swallowed the bait as 
fast as we could land them and throw in the hook again. 
They thought the word “Revised” used in said plank, 
meant to lower the tariff instead of raise it, and he thinks 
that we can fool the green suckers of voters again this 
year by using the word “Adequate” ir,stead of the word 
“Revised,” and that therefore there will be plenty of green 
things to feed to the Elephant this year, at least enough 
to keep him from being troubled with the heaves. 

I have gloomy forebodings of the future, and I expect 
to hear of the deaths of most of Our stand-pat postmasters 
before a year from this time. 




84 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 



\ fe ® ! ]il * e a Bul1 Moose. Taft thought he had me 
killed when he run the steam roller over me at Chicago 
I am like Bryan, I have a habit of coming to after I IS 
dead. I am also like a cat. I have nine lives. The steam 
ioiler stiffened me up in the joints and made me awful 
sore for awhile, but I am just as sound and strong a^ 

wasn’t 111 ! T/ thl ? g , a 1Utle S0llnder and stronger, "if I 
waf t, I could not have pulled off the stunts whiVh t 

terdav ° ft T yeS t erda ^‘ Let See n ° W what a11 1 did yes¬ 
terday. 1 got up in the morning at 6 o’clock and tnnir 

a cold bath in ice water and then went out to th^wood 

















HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


85 


pile and chopped a cord of wood before breakfast. After 
breakfast I went out on the road and ran fifteen miles, 
and then read the newspapers and wrote a long article for 
the Outlook, roasting Lafollette and Taft, and the pro¬ 
ceedings at the Chicago convention to a frazzle. It was 
boon then, and I took dinner and ate a large Porter-House 
stake cut from a Bull Moose, which I shot the day before. 
I then felt like I needed some exercise, so I got an axe 
and went out to the timber and chopped down seven trees 
a foot or more in diameter, and just then Jack Johnson 
came along and wanted to put on the gloves with me, 
for a little friendly bout. I took him down to my gym¬ 
nasium and put the gloves on with him, and had Kermit 
to referee the bout and I put Jack to sleep in the third 
round, so I am pretty well satisfied with my physical con¬ 
dition. 

It gave me a great shock to see the Elephant foully 
murdered at the Chicago Convention, after it had rendered 
fifty years of faithful service to the Republican party. 
I had become greatly attached to that Elephant. I had 
ridden it a great deal during the last ten or tweive years, 
and it carried me through the campaign of 1904 and it 
landed me safely at the White House on that occasion. 
There were times when that animal exhibited almost as 
much sense as a human being. I would rather ride on 
that Elephant, than to ride in the swellest automobile that 
was ever manufactured, and it grieved me sorely to see 
it foully murdered by ninety full doses of the rankest of 
poison, administered to it by the stand-patters at the Chi¬ 
cago convention. 

I understand that Taft and the Republican National 
Committee have bought another Elephant from Ringling 
Brothers, and that they are training it up for Taft to ride 
in the race to the Wlhite House in this campaign. 

I undersand that Taft is making his brags that the 
new Elephant which he and the National Committee bought 
from Ringling Brothers is just as speedy as the old Ele¬ 
phant was. 

They also claim that it will be impossible for me to 
get an animal that will be suitable to make the race 





86 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


the White House this year and that I cannot get an animal 
broke in time, but I have a great disappointment in store 
for them on that proposition. 

I have a Bull Moose, and I have him broke to ride 
already. I “Busted” him last week. He can run like a 
Kansas cyclone. I have “Busted” a good many bronchos 
when I used to be a Cow Eoy, but if a man wants real 
excitement he can gratify his ambition in that direction 
by “busting” a Bull Moose. A man has to be alive, while 
he is “Busting” a Bull Moose. I will have him thoroughly 
broken by the 5th of August, when we hold Our Progres¬ 
sive Republican Convention, at Chicago, and I expect to 
get the nomination for President at that Convention, and 
I feel confident that the Bull Moose will make the race to 
the White House all right, and will arrive there ahead of 
both the Elephant and the Donkey. 

One of the principal Planks which I will put in my 
Platform at Chicago in August this year, is the Command¬ 
ment, “Thou shalt not steal.” 

I will have that Plank in my Platform for my own 
special use and benefit, and I reserve the right to inter¬ 
pret that Plank as I see fit. That Plank applies chiefly 
to the stealing of Delegates and Nominations for President 
of the United States, and has no application to the stealing 
of Canal Zones, or to the stealing of Bryan Planks, cr to 
the stealing of Bryan’s Old Clothes, or to the stealing of 
Lafollette’s thunder. 

Lafollette is nutty, he claims that I stole his thunder. 

I most emphatically deny the charge, and I hereby 
forthwith initiate him as a full-fledged member of the 
Ananias Club. 

Lafollette stole what he calls “My Thunder” from Bry¬ 
an. Therefore Lafollette was not the owner of said Thund¬ 
er, at the time I swiped the same from him, and had no 
right, title or interest, in or to said Thunder, and wasn’t 
entitled to the possession of the same, and when I swiped 
the same away from him, the said swiping was not Larceny, 
within the meaning of the statute in such case, made and 
provided, and besides the “Plank,” “Thou shaft not steal" 





HANLEY'S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER, 


87 


ha»s no application to the stealing of some other man’s 
Thunder, and applies chiefly to the stealing of Delegates, 
and Presidential Nominations. 

I will make a tour of the whole United States during 
this campaign with my '“Wild East African Show, and 
Cow Boy Side Show” and will give the initial performances 
of said show at Chicago, Ill., commencing on August the 
oth, 1912. I will charge no admission to this ishow, and 
confidently expect to draw larger crowds of people to 
every performance of this show, than Forepaw or Ring- 
ling Brothers ever drew to their attractions. I will ride 
the “Bull Moose,” in the Circus Ring, at every performance 
and will do other acrobatic stunts unequaled in this gen¬ 
eration, and I feel confident that the people will fully 
appreciate those performances, and will be also thorough¬ 
ly pleased with menagerie department of my show, and 
also the Cow Bey feature of it, and will vote for me at 
the November Election, and will enable me to ride the 
Bull Moose to the White House ahead of the other candi¬ 
dates. 

Lafollette don’t believe In Bryan’s principles no more 
than I do. If he did, he would become a Democrat, as[ the 
only way those principles can be triumphant Is in and 
through the Democratic party. 

Lafollette thought he had a Presidential Bee in his 
hat, but I examined the insect and lou:nd that It was only 
h common ordinary wasp. 




LESSOR XVI. 

COMING l 

Teddy’s Wild East African Show and Cow Boy Side Show# 

Two Great Shows in One. 

Will Tour The Whole United States, Between The 5th 
Days of August, 1912 and The 5th Day of Novem¬ 
ber, 1912. 

The Grand Opening and the initial performance of 
this, the greatest show on Earth, will be given at Chi¬ 
cago, Illinois, Beginning on the 

5th day of August* 1012, and lasting Three Bays* if the 
weather permits. 

The show will be featured at Chicago during those 
three days and will then tour the whole United States, 
traveling on its own special trains, giving performances: 
in all the principal cities of . the entire country. 

Deduced rates will be given on all railroads, one fare 
for the round trip, so that everyone can see this show. 













§9 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


Largest Menagerie on Earth. .As Large as Ringling 
Brothers and Forepaw Menageries Combined. 

Lions, Tigers, Elephants, Apes, Monkeys, Bull Mooses, 
Giraffes, Camels, Leopard,s,, Hippopotamuses, Zebras. 

All captured by Theodore Roosevelt on bis African 
Tour. Also other animals, snakes, and reptiles of the 
Dark Continent, (brought into captivity by the Great Rough 
Rider, Teddy), too numerous to mention in this an¬ 
nouncement. 

Grand Free Street Parade each day, preceding each 
regular daily preformance. A grand pageant over ten 
miles long. 

Teddy will ride the Bull Moose at the head of the 
street parade each day. 

Kermit will drive a team of seven full-grown African 
lions, hitched to a golden chariot, in the middle of the 
parade, and Dixon and other distinguished Progres¬ 
sive Republicans will bring up the rear of the parade, 
riding on Teddy’s bran new, self adjusting, automatic, self- 
feeding, stem-winding, steam roller. 

The Cow Boys will ride immediately behind the 
GREAT ROUGH RIDER. 

A free exhibition will be given each day, (immediately 
after the parade is over) on the show grounds, with the 
Steam Roller, demonstrating how Taft ran over the Pro¬ 
gressive Republicans and Teddy, with his Steam Roller, 
at the Chicago Convention. 

The performance will begin each day with prayer by 
Teddy, reading the Fifth Commandment of God: “Thod 
Shalt not Steal,” after which Teddy will perform numerous 
acrobatic stunts which no other human being has ever 
had the Nerve to even attempt, after* which Teddy will 
enter the cage of a full-grown, untamed, Avild, ferocious, 
man-eating, Nubian lion, and fight him to a finish. He will 
then emerge from the lion’s den, and will ride a wild, 
bucking Full Moose around the circus ring seven times. 

A reward of $10,00-0.00 will be given to any humarf 
being who dare enter the cage of that Nubian lion, and a 
reward of $5,000.00 will be given to any Progressive Re‘- 





&0 HANLEY'S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER, 


publican who can ride that Bull Moose around the circus 
ring once. 

Teddy will then read the Platform of His National 
Progressive Party, and will conclude that part of the 
performance by reading the riot act to the stand-patters. 

Egyptian magician® will explain the sleight of hand 
performance by which Teddy wrote a stand-pat Platform 
in 1908, and elected Taft by bulldozing the voters with 
the word “REVISED/’ used in the Tariff Plank of said 
Platform, 

They will also explain the wonderful elacticity of 
Y'eddy’s Think-Tank, and the sleight of hand performance 
by which Teddy kicked out all of the Lafollette Progres¬ 
sive Planks in 1908, and still held all the Progressive Re¬ 
publicans in line for Taft, on the Rankest and Crookedest 
Stand-Pat Platform that was ever written. 

They will also explain how Teddy can be elected Presi¬ 
dent this year, on the rankest Progressive Platform that 
was ever written by any political party, and how Teddy 
can give the people a stand-pat administration after he is 
elected on that kind of a platform. 

Chariot races, with chariots drawn by lion®. Trapeze 
performances, and tight rope walking, tumbling, boxing* 
and all kinds of acrobatic stunts pulled off at every per¬ 
formance, by the greatest leading Progressive Republican 
Artists of this generation. 

The Cow Boy Side Show is given under the same 
Canvas, >so that one ticket admits you to the entire show, 
No reserved Seats, as the Rough Rider intends to treat 
everybody alike and give everybody a square deal, and an 
equal chance to see the show. 

Teddy’s last charge will be reproduced by the Cow 
Boys and Teddy and Kermit, with chariots drawn by lions 
and the Progressive; Republican Artists, with Teddy’s 
hew Steam Roller, vividly illustrating the Progressive Re¬ 
publican Massacre at the Republican Convention at Chi¬ 
cago, 




HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER, 9t 


ADMISSION FREE ! 

No admission will be charged to this show, The show 
is simply gotten up for the free entertainment of the Amer¬ 
ican People, and to show up the Taft stand-pat Conspiracy 
and to avenge the Progressive Republican Massacre at 
Chicago, and to elect the Great Rough Rider, and the 
Great African Hunter, President of the United States at 
the November election this year, 

WATCH THE BILLBOARDS FOR THE DATES OF THIS 
GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH, 

The Sign Leo, Sign of the Heart, begins July 2lst at 
9:34 a. m. and ends August the 21st at 2:31 p. m. This 
Sign will be generally disastrous to the Republican party, 
and therefore favorable to the Democratic party, as it 
will create in the mnids of the Republicans a desire to 
start a menagerie of which a Bull Moose and Lions of 
various sizes, and a Steam Roller, will be the leading fea¬ 
tures. The Republican party will, during said sign, 
awake to the full realizaton of the fact that the Progres¬ 
sive Republicans are on the war path, by reason of the 
fact that Taft and the Republican party have failed to carry 
out “My Policies” and have stolen the nomination from 
Teddy, and that element and annex to the old Republican 
party with Teddy at its head will therefore during this 
sign proceed to organize and start a side show to be 
ktiown as “Teddy’s Terrible Wild East African Show and 
Cow Boy Side Show, for the purpose of working the Pro¬ 
gressive Republican suckers to again vote the Republican 
ticket under the title of “Progressive Party,” the same be-- 
mg an annex to the old Republican party except for the of¬ 
fice of President, and in some state, a State ticket. That 
party will tell the aforesaid suckers that if they elect Teddy 
again, “My Policies” will this time be carried out, and that 
word Revised, as used in the tariff plank four years ago, will 
mean Reduce instead oflncrease, but the rank and file of the 
Progressive Republican suckers aforesaid, will have long 
since felt in their stomachs and pocket books, the' effects* 




&2 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRlMm 


Of the meaning of the word “Revised” as used in the tar-> 
iff plank aforesaid, and will refuse to be buncoed by any 
more shell games, and will vote the straight Democratic 
ticket, regardless of the previous condition of servitude^ 

During this Sign is also a dangerous time, for diseases 
of the heart, and the Republican party is liable to bo 
Stricken with heart failure, because of the gradual 
shrinking of its heart, and its tendency to become petrP 
fled. 

Mr. W. F. Earker, of Des Moines, Iowa, writes: I 
was a strong Progressive Republican. Was a firm be¬ 
liever in the principles of Democracy as taught by Jef¬ 
ferson, Jackson and Bryan. I was dizzy with the heat, 
had an exaggerated Ego, and imagined that I could be ft 
Democrat in principles and a Republican in name. That 
I could trot in the Nabob class, and still bring about the 
reforms taught by Democracy, and against which the Re¬ 
publican party had always fought. I imagined it was 1 not 
good form to be classed as a Democrat and to be frank 
about the matter, I was somewhat nutty. Voted for Taft* 
Imagined that if he was elected the Republican party 
Would revise- the tariff downward. Imagined that the 
word Revised (as used in the tariff plank of that party) 
meant to reduce the tariff instead of to increase it. I 
consulted eminent physicians and they advised me that 
I was afflicted with a chronic case of softening of the 
brain, and King’s evil, and that my case was a hopeless 
one, and that there was no cure for me. A friend of 
mine knowing of my deplorable condition of health sent 
me one full treatment of your “Revised Political Primer,’* 
which I took without delay, and to the great surprise of 
my physicians and friends, it has restored me to perfect 
health and I have become a full-fledged Democrat of the 
Jefferson, Jackson and Bryan school, and expect to contin¬ 
ue such the remainder of my days. I can cheerfully recom¬ 
mend your remedy to all unfortunates who have been afflic^ 
ted with the diseases with which I have suffered. 





HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


93 


LATTITUDE OF BOSTON, NEW YORK STATE, IOWA, 

AND NEBRASKA. 

July, 1912. 



SUN RISES 

SUN 

SETS 

1 

Mon. 

4:26 

7:40 

2 

Tues. 

4:27 

7:40 

3 

Wed. 

4:27 

7:40 

4 

Ihurs. Independence Day. 

4:28 

7:40 

5 

Fri. Dry and hot turning to threatening 

4:29 

7:39 

6 

Sat. weather, followed by fierce elec- 

4:29 

7:39 

7 

Sun. trical storms and cyclones from 

4:29 

7:39 

8 

Mon. the 6th to the 10th of the 

4:30 

7:38 

9 

Tues. month, during which time 

4:31 

7:38 

10 

Wed. Politicians in many states will 

4:32 

7:38 

11 

Thurs. be in danger of being struck by 

4:33 

7:37 

12 

Fri. lightning. Many fences and 

4:33 

7:37 

13 

Sat. structures will be blown down after 

4:34 

7:36 

14 

Sun. the above atmospheric disturbance 

4:35 

7:36 

15 

Mon. is over, it will clear off and will 

4:36 

7:35 

16 

Tue.s, will turn decidedly cooler, with 

4:37 

7:34 

17 

Wed. slight frosts in many localities 

4:38 

7:34 

18 

Thurs. which will not be heavy enough 

4:38 

7:33 

10 

Fri. to injure the corn in corn growing 



states. 

4:39 

7:32 

20 

Sat. 

4:40 

7:32 

21 

Sun. Rising Temperature, followed 

4:41 

7:31 

22 

Mon. by local thunder storms. 

4:42 

7:30 

23 

Tues. 

4:43 

7:29 

24 

Wed. Intense heat followed by hot 

4:44 

7:28 

25 

Thurs. winds, 

4:45 

7:27 

26 

Fri. 

4:46 

7:26 

27 

Sat. Threatening weather, followed by 

4:47 

7:25 

28 

Sun. fierce electrical storms. 

4:48 

7:24 

29 

Mon. 

4:49 

7:23 

30 

Tues. Authors birthday. 

4:50 

7:22 

31 

Wed. 

4:51 

7:21 


He loves his neighbor best who loves God best. 



94 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


LATITUDE OF BOSTON, NEW YORK STATE, IOWA 

The Sign Virgo, Sign of the bowels, begins August 
the 21st at 2:31 p. m. and ends September the 23rd at 
5:55 p. m. 

This sign i*s very unfavorable to the Republican party 
and that party will become badly diseased and demoral¬ 
ized during this sign, as this sign has a tremendous ten¬ 
dency to produce diseases of the digestive organs. The 
fact that the Republican party was in a starving condition 
and had to subsist on the soup of the Republican soup- 
houses during the republican panic of 1907 and 1908, 
brought about a diseased and weakened condition of the 
digestive apparatus of that party, and that party will 
therefore be subject to diseases of the digestive organs 
when entering upon this sign. 

The Stand-Pat element of the Republican party, be¬ 
ing of the opinion that the word Revised, (as used in the 
tariff plank of the Republican party) meant to thoroughly 
mp.sticate and then rivise the tariff upward, and the Pro¬ 
gressive Republicans being of the opinion that the word 
Revised, so used in said platform, meant to thoroughly 
masticate and reduce the tariff downward, and the Tariff 
Bill, having been thoroughly masticated by the Republi¬ 
can party and swallowed by said party in that condition, 
will have in it those two conflicting tendencies, and will 
not on reaching the stomach of said party, be able to de¬ 
cide which way to go, and tlr.s unfortunate condition of 
said food will cause great commotion in the stomach, and 
in the general digestive apparatus of said party, and will 
result in indigestion and inflammation of the stomach and 
bowels, headache, dyspepsia and nervous prostration. The 
liver will become torpid because of the.se conditions of 
the digestive apparatus. The blood will become thick, and 
there will be grave danger of its being unable to pass 
through the auricles of the already shrunken, and some¬ 
what petrified heart of said party. 

S. W. Grear, of Council Bluffs, writes: “I was a 
strong progressive, Republican, voted for Taft in 1908 and 
felt tickled to death when he was elected. Was tickled when 
I read his innaugural address, felt sure he would carry out 







HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 95 


‘My Policies,’ when he called Congress together soon after 
his innauguration, but soon found out after Congres.s got 
to grinding, that the vast majority of the Republican Con¬ 
gressmen and Senators, were of the opinion that the 
word Revised, as used in the tariff plank of the Republi¬ 
can platform meant to increase or raise the tariff, in¬ 
stead of reduce it or lower it, and then I began to .sus¬ 
picion I had been buncoed again. That I had been 
somewhat bughouse. That the Republican party had 
worked me with another shell game. Had sold me a gold 
brick, and that I had been worked again for a moth-eaten 
sucker. When that party passed a Bill increasing the 
tariff instead of reducing the tariff, and I heard of it, 
I collapsed and grew weaker each day. It was a hard 
dose for me to swallow, and I could not digest it, and 
was soon suffering with a case of chronic indigestion, 
and dyspepsia. I consulted specialists and they informed 
me that my case was hopeless. They told me the best 
thing I could do was to turn over my real estate and per¬ 
sonal property to my attorneys and prepare for the worst. 
A friend of mine sent me a package of your “Revised 
Political Primer” and I took the same, and it has restored 
me to perfect health and I wifi vote the Democratic 
ticket from hence forth. I have gained thirty-five pounds 
in the past three weeks. Enclosed pleased find money 
order for $2.75, for eleven packages more of your remedy. 
I want them for friends of mine who are afflicted with 
the same disease with which I have suffered.” 


ANI) NEBRASKA. 
August, 1912 . 

SUN RISES 

1 Thurs. 

2 Fri. Hot and sultry. 

3 Sat. Dog day.s. Every dog will have his 

4 Sun. day, and many dogs will get too 

5 Mon. gay and are liable to bite 

6 Tues. unsuspecting pedestrians. In sucl 


SUN 

SETS 

4:52 

7:20 

4:53 

7:19 

4:54 

7:13 

4:55 

7:16 

4:56 

7:15 

4:57 

7:14 







96 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


7 

Wied. case you should consult your 

4:58 

7:13 

8 

Thurs. Attorney at once, turn over your 

4:59 

7:11 

9 

Fri. Real and personal property to him 

5:00 

7:1C 

10 

Sat. get a writ of habeas-corpu.s, and 

5:01 

7:09 

11 

Sun. have your body taken to a physician 

5:02 

7:07 

12 

Mon. and consult a mad-stone 

5:03 

7:06 

12 

Tues. at once. 

5:04 

7:05 

14 

Wed. Intense heat followed by vivid 

5:05 

7:04 

15 

Thurs. Assumption (lightning, terrific 

5:06 

7:03 

16 

Fri. thunder and heavy down-pours of 

5:07 

7:02 

17 

Sat. rain. 

5:08 

7:00 

18 

Sun. Ole Bull died, 1880 

5:10 

6:59 

19 

Mon. 

5:11 

6:58 

20 

Tues. Earthquakes in many places 

5:12 

6:57 

21 

Wed. and volcanic eruptions in the 

5:13 

6:56 

22 

Thurs, Rocky mountains. 

5:14 

6:54 

23 

Fri. 

5:15 

6:52 

24 

Sat. St. Bartholomew. 

5:16 

6:50 

25 

Sun. 

5:17 

6:49 

26 

Mon. 

5:18 

6:47 

27 

Tues. Still grows hotter with high 

5:19 

6:46 

28 

Wed. hot winds. 

5:20 

6:45 

29 

Thurs. African Si-moon-swipers. 

5:21 

6:43 

30 

Fri. 

5:22 

6:40 

31 

Sat. 

5:23 

6:38 


Beware of the wrath of a just man, for he hath his 
quarrel just, and God is the avenger of his wrongs. 




HANLEY'S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 



LESSON XVII. 


The Count mid The Millionaire’s Daughter. 


FOUR 

HUNDRED 

MAKE 

OWE 

FARMER 


COUNT 

TRUST 

BOTH 

BRYAN 

HOW 


Father, what was that you brought home with you 
today in the au-to-mo-billy? 

Why, my son, I am .shocked at such a question. That 
was Count De-Es-Ta-Ouran-ge-Ou-Tang. I bought him 
for Susan. Their engagement will be annouced next week. 

How much did you pay for him, father? 

Why, I got him cheap, son. He only cost fifty mil¬ 
lion dollars. 

Won’t you get busted up, Father, paying such high 
prices for Counts? 

Oh no, my son, I make the farmer, the laboring man 
and the small business man pay for the Count. You see 













98 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER 


my son, about four hundred of the best of us run things 
in this country. Wo are a Trust. We make the presi¬ 
dents and both houses of congress. They owe their exis¬ 
tence to us, and we tell them how to make the laws and 
they have to make them that way or quit business. We 
make them put a high tariff on everything which we have 
have to sell, then we get all those things which we have 
to sell, then we get all those things which we have 
we make the farmer, the laborer, and the small business 
man pay us whatever price we demand for what we have 
to sell; and thus we make them pay for our Counts which 
we buy. 

You fellows have a soft snap, father. 

Yes, my son, we have a »soft snap; but we are going 
to have it softer in the near future, as soon as we can 
get Bryan out of the political equation. When we get 
rid of him we will abolish this form of government by 
the people, and we will institute a new government and 
run it on the European plan. 

What is the European plan, father? 

Why, my son, on the European plan, about four hun¬ 
dred of the best of us who are worth from a million dol¬ 
lars upward, would have titles and be called Counts, 
Dukes, Barons, Lords, and so on, according to how much 
money each one had; and then we could raise our Counts 
at home and would not have to imoort any Counts for 
our daughters. 

But, father, would not the Counts from Europe come 
over still and get our daughters? 

My son, we would put a high protective tariff on 
Counts to protect our infant industry against the pauper 
Counts of Europe. 

If you got busted up, father, would you still be el 
Count, or a Duke, or a Baron, or a Lord? 

Sure thing, my son; the title never gets busted. 







HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 99 


LESSON XVIII 


The Child’s Inquiry, 


JUNGLE 

CHILD 

FEAR 

SALARIES 


BLUFF 

CRACK 

REPUBLICAN 

CORNERED. 


1. What is that, Mother? 

That’s Teddy, my boy, 

Proudly careering in his course of joy, 

Braving the jungles, the lions defying, 

Trusting in bullets, on crack shooting relying. 

Ever, my son, be thou like this big bluff 

And then the dear people will think your the stuff. 

2. What i.s that, Mother? 

That’s the Trusts, my child, 

Which in the recent election the people beguiled. 

They have cornered the earth and also the moon, 

And will form a trust in the sunlight I fear pretty soon. 


3. What is that, Mother? 

That’s an engagement, my son, 

With her millions, the heiress, a title has won. 
Never, my boy, try to imitate him, 

Don’t marry for money 
To be in the swim. 


4. What is that, Mother? 

That’s a Republican, my son, 

He think,s if he starts he will make a quick run. 

He votes for high tariff on everything which he buys, 
And will continue to do so, ’till the poor fellow dies. 





100 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


2 wish. this 

thing would 

6>^t to movi n ^ 



5. He sells all his produce, now that’s a strange thing, 
Without any protection for what it will bring. 

He has heard of ground wires, and thinks there is one 
By which the guide-board you see, is operated and run. 

6. What is that, Mother? 

What is that. Mother? 

That’s Cummins, my child. 

The morn’ has just looked out and smiled, 

When he starts from his humble graasy nest, 

And is up and away with the dew on his breast, 

With a hymn in his heart to yon pure bright sphere, 
To warble it out in the standpatter’s ear. 












HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 101 


Ever, my son, be thou like A. B. C., 

And in Washington a Senator, some day you will be. 

7 . What is that, Mother? 

That’s the Republicans, my son, 

By coercion and false promises in 1908 
The election was won. 

They told us the word “Revised,” 

Meant downward revision, 

But after they were elected 
They reversed that decision. 


LESSON XIX. 

An Ode To Sale of €L 0. P. 

RACE STRUCK 

HAND SPREAD 

SALE GRAFT 

LAND WIHICH 

1. Marchthe fourth, nineteen hundred, thirteen, 
An event will take place 
Which will bring joy and gladness 
To the whole human race. 

:2. The Republican party 

Will then offer for sale 
Everything which they’ve advertised. 

Sure without fail. 

3. The .sale bills are struck 

And are spread through the land.. 
Informing Republicans 
To be there on hand. 

•4. Free soup will be served 
To fill the demand, 

And music will be furnished 
By the Plunderband Band. 





102 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


5. The G. O. P. is earnest, 

They are getting so old 
And have dissolved partnership with Teddy 
That the stuff must be sold. 

6. Get some of the post-cards 

Which tell what’s for sale 
And send them to your friends 
Through Uncle Sam’s mail. 

7. At Washington, D. C., 

All their junk will be sold 
To the highest and best bidder 
For cash, paid in gold. 

8. You can there purchase bear .skins 

Tanned up neat and nice, 

My Stand-Patter friends, 

For a very small price. 

9. You can purchase the Steam Roller 

And the Elephant’s hide ,too. 

But bid on the Big Stick 
Whatever you do. 

10 You can there see Rockefeller & Morgan 
A clerking the sale, 

And watch Wall Street and Taft sell the Roosevelt 
conspiracy 

And the empty—full dinner pail. 

11. There is a rumor afloat 

That many freaks will be sold. 

Which they have not advertised. 

So I am told. 

12. You want to come early, 

I know you’ll stay late, 

So remember the place, 

And remember the date. 




HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 103 


Mike O’Reilly and Pat Casey on the Bull Moose Con¬ 
vention. 

Phwat do yes think av th’ Bull Moose Convintion, 
Moike? 

Well, I’ll tell yez Pat, the more I think av it, the less 
I think av it. Tiddy an his platforrum is on the top, bot- 
tum, both sides, an in th’ middle av ivry public quistion. 

There wasn’t a dacint foight in th’ hul convintion. 

Th’ unly foight they hed was with th’ Nagurs. They put 
a few Nagurs on as Diligates frum th’ Northern sthates 
to tickle their vanity, and capthure the Nagur votes av th’ 
Northern sthates, an thin turrund in an disfranchoised alltli' 
Nagurs av th’ ,south, thinkin’ they’d bulljose the Dimicrats 
av th’ south into votin’ fur the Bull Moose. 

We both know how aiche othur sthand on the Nagur 
questshun. While that is thrive, I can’t understhand how a 
man thet hes bin nominated an’ illicted be Nagur votes, as 
Tiddy wuz kin kick lawfully illictid Nagur diligates out av 
his Bull Moosevconvintiion, as Tiddy an’ th Bull Moose con¬ 
vintion did at Shecargo. Tiddy acciptid Nagur votes in th’ 
convintion that nominated him whin he ran fur Prisidint th’ 
last toime he was illicitid, an’ he wud have acciptid th’ nom- 
inashun fur Priisidint at th’ Raypublican convintion last 
June, if it tuk th’ votes of Nagur Diligates to turrun th’ 
thrick. 

He howled like a hyena about Taft sthalin his law¬ 
fully illictid Diligates at th’ Raypublican convintion, an’ 
satin uther Diligates in ther sates, an’ thin turned in an’ 
dun th very same thing himsilf, with the Nagur Diligates 
frum th’ south at his Bull Moose convintion. Thin he 
goes up an’ down the Airth howlin’ “Thou shat not sthale” 
an’ says he sthands fur a squhare dale. I wondeT what 
th’ Nagurs think about it? 

Tiddy an’ the Bull Moose party are goin to give every 







104 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


body the hul United Sthates, an iviry thin, in thim, with a 
fince around it, an it i’ll take thim so long to do thet thet 
they will heve to put Tiddy in fur loife, and afther he 
doies turn it over to Kermit to finish th’ job. 

Tiddy threw Bokase at the Nagurs av th’ North where 
ther votes wud help illict Prisidintial Illicthors for him, an’ 
bate th’ loife out av th’ Nagurs av th’ South where tha 
cudn’t deliver Prisidintial Hlicithors fur him. 

A Nagur is a Nagur, an thers as miny intiligint Nagurs 
in th’ South as there is in th’ North, Bucker T. Washington 
is frum th’ south, an’ whin he disfranchoises th’ Nagurs 
av th’ South, he ha>s no use for the Na¬ 
gurs av th’ North ayther, except to capthure ther votes, 
an’ it remains to be sane whither they’ll be suckers enuff 
to vote fur him ur not. 

Whin Tiddy amergid frim th’ jungles av Africa, art' 
kem into Aygipt, th’ Common Payple were havin’ thrrubble 
with a King, an Tiddy tuck sides with th’ King against 
the Common Payple, an hopped ontive thim with his big 
stick, an’ bate the loife out av thim, and thin hob-nobbed 
around with th’ Kings av Yurup, before he kem back to 
th’ United Sthates. I firremly belave that he hed it in his 
moinde at that toirne, to make hirmilf King av th’ Unted 
Sthates, an’ was thryin to worruk up a sthandin with fur- 
rin Kings, so thet they’d sthand by him, whin he stharted 
a Kingdom in this Counthry. 

Hfmsilf an' Johnson heve th’ Nominashun now on th’ 
Bull Moose tickit, an’ he thinks he can bulljoze the payple 
into illictin’ thim, an’ that if he can, he will thin thry to 
get it fur loife. 

WTiat do yez think av Tiddy’s “Confbsshun av Faith,” 
Pat? 

Aw, Mo ike, I think it wuz a sacralagus Confisshun. Its 
not th’ koind av a Confisshun thet yerself an nieself are 
used to makin’. He told all th’ good things thet he didn’t 
intind to do, and consaled all th’ maine things thet he in- 




HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 105 


tinds to do, and concaledall th’ mane things he iver did 
do. He shlandhered the Dimicratic Candidate, an’ party, 
an’ th’ Dimicratic platforrum, an’ he’s bin sthalin planks 
out av it fur th’ last tin yares, an’ he nivir told that ay- 
ther. 

He concaled the sthalin av Pyran’s old Close, art 
Bryan’s principles and planks. 

He concaled th’ fact thet all th’ gigantic thrusts came 
intive ixistince while he was Prisidint, an’ that he ccnsint- 
id to th’ sthale thrust Merger. 

He concaled th’ facts thet th’ unly things he dun whin 
he wuz Prisidint wuz to git th’ ditch acroets th’ isthmus, an 
wroite hot air missiges to Congress, and crayate a Ray- 
publcan panic. 

He concaled th’ facts thet he nOmynatid Taft in Noine- 
tane hundhrel an’ ate, on the kruckidist stand-pat platfor¬ 
rum thet wuz ivir invintid, usin’ th’ worrud “Ravoised” irt 
th’ taruff plank av thet platforrum, an’ thet himsilf an’ 
Taft invintid it, an’ made th’ payple belave thet th’ worrud 
“Ravovsed” mint downward ravishun, instid av upward, ah 
thet by practicin thet dacate, he illictid Taft that toime. 

He says thet if th’ Dimicrats carry out theirt planks 
against th’ thrusts, an ther tariff plank, it will make graite 
deprisshun in bi-snisS, but thet if he carries out th’ same 
kind av planks in his platforrum, it will worruk like Alad¬ 
din’s Lamp, an’Cindheorrella’s slipper. 

He woindes up be sayin’ thet he’s battlin fur th’ Lord, 
but if 01 med thet koind av a Confisshun, id think 01 wuz 
battlin in th’ opposit dieictshun. 

I think thet Tiddy will foind out at th’ Novimbir il- 
lictshun thet the payple are ontive him with both faite, 
an’ thet his day fur bulljozin’ the payple are indid. 

Wooddhrow Wilson will be illicitid, an’ th’ Dimicratic 
party will remain in power, fur ait laste a ginerashun, and 
it will be a pariud av th’ best toirnes th’ payple av this 
Nashun have ivir knone. 





106 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


LATITUDE OF BOSTON, NEW YORK STATE, IOWA 

AND NEBRASKA. 

September, 15)12. 

SUN RISES SUN SETS 

1 Sun. 5:24 6:35 

2 Mon. Labor day f Sweltering heat fol- 5:25 6:33 

3 Tues. lowed by African Si-moon- 5:26 6:31 

4 Wed. swipers. (Note) The African 5:27 6:30 

5 Thurs. Si-moon-swiper i»s a product 5:29 6:28 

6 Fri. of Africa, the germs of which 5:30 6:26 

7 Sat. are supposed to have reached this 5:31 6:24 

8 Sun. country in a cargo of lion skins 5:32 6:23 

9 Mon. Galveston inundated, 1900 [im- 5:33 6:21 

10 Tue.s. ported by one Theodore Roosevelt. 5:34 6:19 

11 Wed. It is a cross between a cyclone 5:35 6:18 

12 Thurs. and a Kansas hot wind, and 5:36 6:16 

13 Fri. moves in almost any direction.) 5:37 6:14 

14 Sat. Great drouth causing the roads 5:38 6:12 

15 Sun. to Washington, D. C. to become 5:39 6:11 

16 Mon. very dusty. 5:40 6:09 

17 Tues. About this time African Si-moon- 5:41 6:07 

18 Wed. swipers will occur over the roads, 5:42 6:05 

19 Thurs. throwing much dust into the 5:43 6:03 

20 Fri. Republican Panic in N. Y.. 1873. 5:44 6:02 

21 Sat. St. Mathew, [eyes of Democrats 5:46 6:00 

22 Sun. Autumn begins, [who will be jour- 5:47 5:58 

23 Mon. r.eying toward the aforesaid city. 5:48 5:56 

24 Tues. An equinoxial storm will set in 5:49 5:55 

25 Wed. about this time and there will be 5:50 5:53 

26 Thurs. 5:51 5:51 

27 Fri. general rains throughout the coun- 5:52 5:49 

28 Sat. try which will settle dust on the 5:53 5:48 

29 Sun. roads leading to Washington, D. 5:54 5:46 

30 Mon. C., and wayfaring Democrats will 5:55 5:44 

experience more comfort in traveling 

The weather becomes promising again, 
and will continue so until the end of the 
month. 




HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 107 


Virtue maketh a woman appear more beautiful, even 
in a calico dress, than the same woman, without virtue, 
can be made to appear in the most costly apparel. 

The Sign Libra, Sign of the Reins, begins September 
the 23rd at 5:55 p. m. and ends October the 26th at 7.08 
a. m. 

This sign will prove generally distastrous to the Re¬ 
publican party and will be one of the most favorable signs 
of the Zodiac for the Democratic party, the Republican 
party being in such a diseased condition after passing 
through the sign Virgo, and its general digestive apparatus, 
being so impaired in trying to digest the Re¬ 
publican tariff legislation, will be in no con¬ 
dition to weather the influences of the Sign, Libra 
and will be weighed in the balance and found 

wanting. The people have grown tired of the promises 
cf the Republican party and, having seen all of their good 
promises broken, and having become tired of the bull¬ 
dozing methods, shell games and crooked practices of said 
party, and having been worked for suckers without stint 
or measure, by said Republican party, will take the Reins 
of the government from said party and will hand them 
over to the Democratic party, and there will be great 
weeping and wailing and great gnashing of teeth among 
the Republicans, and many Republican postmasters will 
be stricken with night-mare, and will have hideous 
dreams about having to give up the pcstoffices. The moon 
signs will operate with the sign Libra, and will greatly 
influence the intensity of this sign. They will also pro¬ 
long the duration of this sign so that the full effects of 
the sign, Libra will be felt during the first half of the 
sign Scorpio, or until about November 11th. 

T. B. Hicks, of Hashtings, Nebr., writes: “I was a 
strong Progressive Republican. Voted for Taft in 1908, 
Believed he would knock the standpatters into a cocked 
hat. Believed he would show congress where to head in at, 
and would make them revise the tariff downward, and 
would carry out Teddy’s policies. When he called the 
extraordinary session of congress, soon after his inaugu¬ 
ration to revise the tariff, I felt so good that I could al- 






108 hAnLey's REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER, 


most lift myself up by my bootstraps to the height of a 
church steeple, but when the senators chewed the rag 
for about two months, and votes on schedule showed that 
the va»s t majority of the Republican senators were of the 
opinion that the word revised as used in the tariff plank 
of the Republican platform, meant to increase or raise 
the tariff, instead of to decrease or lower it, and Taft 
kept his mouth shut, and didn’t say beans; I was suddenly 
seized one day with cramps in the stomach. When they 
finally passed the tariff measure, raising the tariff, instead 
of lowering it, and Taft put his “John Hancock” to the 
Bill; my stomach trouble developed rapidly into indiges- 
tion and dyspepsia of chronic forms. I kept getting worse 
and growing thinner until I almost became a walking 
skeleton. I was a sick man. The doctors dosed me to 
their hearts content, but I kept growing worse* 

A friend told me he had taken your “Revised Politi- 
cal Primer,” for similar trouble, with great results; so 
I sent 25 cents for a package of it and took the same; al- 
though it was bitter and somewhat hard toswallow, and it 
has entirely cured me and I am a sound man today. 

A great light has dawned upon my mind. I have 
discovered that if a man wants reform; he must go 
to the party cf reform to get it. That he must go to the 
Democratic party to get it; because that party has always 
been the party of reform, and because it has always been 
true to its promises. I have discovered that the Republic 
can party has been weighed in the balance and found 
wanting. Enclosed please find money order for $3.00 to 
pay for a dozen more packages of your remedy. Twelve 
friends of mine who have been suffering with the same dis¬ 
ease, which I had, want to try the remedy, and have giv¬ 
en me the money to send to you for it.” 

Latitude of Boston, new yOrk state, iowa 

AND NEBRASKA* 

October, 1912. 

SUN RISES 

1 Tues. 

2 Wed. Cold wave, with high cold north- 


StlN SETS 
5:56 5:43 

5:58 5:41 




HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 109 


3 Thurs. west winds, which will extend ov- 5:59 5:39 

4 Fri. er the western and central states. 6:00 5:37 

5 Sat. Hot and sultry in the eastern states, 6:01 5:36 

6 Sun. with many sun strokes in N. Y. city. 6:02 5:34 

7 Mon. O. W. Holmes died, 1894. 6:03 5:32 

8 Tues. Chicago fire, 1871. [Earthquake in 6:04 5:31 

9 Wed. the eastern states bordering on the 6:05 5:29 

10 Thurs. Atlantic ocean. 6:07 5:27 

11 Fri. Boer war began, 1899. 6:08 5:25 

12 Sat. Weather turns hot in the western 6:09 5:24 

13 Sun. and central states again, followed 6:10 5:22 

14 Mon. Wm. Penn born, 1664. [by thun- 6:11 5:21 

15 Tues. der storms and vivid lightning.. 6:13 5:19 

16 Wed. On account of the high stage of the 6:14 5:17 

17 Thurs. winds in the western and central 6:15 5:16 

18 Fri. St. Luke, [states and the low pres- 6:16 5:14 

19 Sat. sure in the eastern states, the Re- 6:17 5:13 

20 Sun. publican campaign managers will 6:18 5:11 

21 Mon. try to apply to the weather condi- 6:19 5:10 

22 Tues. tions, their campaign tactics of 6:21 5:08 

23 Wed. dealing with the Tariff question. 6:22 5:07 

24 Thurs. They will promise to revise the 6:23 5:05 

25 Fri. winds downward in the western and 6:24 5:04 

26 Sat. central states, and will promise to 6:25 5:02 

27 Sun. revise them upward in the eastern 6:26 5:01 

28 Mon. St. Simon, [states. About this 6:28 5:00 

29 Tues. Henry George died, 1876. [time 6:29 4:58 

30 Wed. high gales will blow from the east 6:30 4:57 

31 Thurs. Halloween, [and will extend 6:32 4:55 

far into the western states, and a hot 

wind will set in and blow from Texas, Ok¬ 
lahoma and Kansas. 

A Republican Tariff Reformer is a wolf in sheep’s 
clothing. If he believed in tariff reform he would become 
a Democrat for the Democratic party is the party of 
tariff reform. 

Scorpio, the Sign of the Loins, begins October 26th 
at 7:08 a. m., and ends November 25th at 1:12 a. m. The 
full effects of this sign will not be felt during the early part 





110 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


of this sign, until shortly after election, on account of moon 
signs having extended the full force and effect of the 
sign, Libra. 

This sign ha.s a distressing influence on persons or a 
•party suffering with disease. It will therefore be a dis¬ 
tressing time for Republicans, and the Republican party, 
o\\ ing to the diseased condition of that party and a ma¬ 
jority of its members. Many Republicans will pine away 
and die during this sign, and there will be great distress 
and great tribulations among Republican office hold¬ 
ers, such as hath not not been yet, and there will be 
great weeping and wailing among the Trust Magnates, 
Nabobs and Plutocrats of the nation such as hath not been 
since the flood, and Republican postmasters will have hid¬ 
eous dreams of losing their postoffices and will awaken from 
their slumbers cnly to fully realize that their dreams are 
•the forerunners of realities, and cold chills will creep 
along the spinal columns of the Trust Magnates and they 
will be subject to nightmare during this sign, and vision.s of 
the penitentiary will disturb the slumbers of many of 
them. Cold sweat will stand upon the brows of Republi¬ 
can political pap-suckers, and hangers on and undertak¬ 
ers will do a rushing business in those days. Many Re¬ 
publicans when they behold the eclipse and see these 
signs and tribulations, and suffer these experiences will 
think that the end of the world has come, but in this they 
are mistaken, as it is only the end of the Republican party 
which has come. 

A. W. Cooper, Fondulac, Wis., writes: “I was a 

strong Progressive Republican and was feeling finer than 
frog hair, until about the later part cf the month of May, 
1909, when I was seized one day with cramps in my stomach, 
which lasted for several hours. I had been reading the 
doings of the tsenate and saw that a majority of that body 
had placed a different construction on the meaning of that 
wodr “Revised” to what my teachings had led me to be¬ 
lieve the word meant, and my wife rather thought that I 
had been reading too much and that was what caused the 
1 cramps in my stomach, and said she thought it would 






HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. Ill 


wear aw r ay with more exercise and less reading. That 
worked fairly well until about the time the Republican 
party passed the tariff Bill, revising the tariff upward 
instead of downward, then I suffered a relapse and a phy¬ 
sician had to be summoned, and after having made a thor¬ 
ough examination said that I was suffering with inflamma¬ 
tion of the stomach and chronic indigestion, and said that I 
would have to diet myself and suggested that we hire a 
first-class cook. This angered my wife, who is a good 
cook, and she promptly discharged him from the case and 
sent for a specialist. The specialist corroborated the oth¬ 
er physician about the nature of my disease and said 
there w r as no hope for me, that I had apparently taken 
something indigestible which had caused my digestive ap¬ 
paratus to get in such a condition. I had given up in des¬ 
pair when a Democratic friend of mine sent me a package 
of your Revised Political Primer and I took the Siame in as 
large dcses as the weakened condition of my stomach 
would permit and I noticed a change for the better after 
the first dose. I continued the treatment until I had tak¬ 
er the entire package and it entirely cured me, and I am 
new as sound as a dollar. I have made up my mind that 
in the future I will not torture my brain and ruin my 
stomach and general digestive apparatus trying to find 
out what technical words in a Republican platform 
mean and I have therefore decided to vote the Domocratic 
ticket the rest of my life, because any man can understand 
the language used in the platform of the Democratic par¬ 
ty, because that party works in the interests of the people 
and against the trusts. 

Enclosed please find post office money order for 
$3.00 for which please send by return mail twelve more pack¬ 
ages of your Revised Political Primer. I have twelve Pro¬ 
gressive Republican friends in this city who are sufferng 
with the same complications which I had, and they desire 
to try your remedy and have given me the money to send 
to you to pay for the same.” 




112 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


LATITUDE OF BOSTON, NEW YORK STATE, IOWA 

AND NEBRASKA. 

November, 1912. 

SUN RISES SUN SETS 

1 Fri. All Saints. 6:33 4:54 

2 Sat. All Souls. [And a cold North- 6:34 4:52 

3 Sun. west wind will blow from Mont., 6:35 4:5,? 

4 Hon. the Dakotas and Nebr. Those 6:36 4:50 

5 Tues. Election day. [winds will meet 6:38 4:49 

6 Wed. and mix it, and will, on the 5th 6:39 4:48 

7 Ohurs. of this month develope into a 6:40 4:47 

8 Fri. Blizer-do-snow-or-ni-rcus travel- 6:42 4:46 

9 Sat. Eoston fire 1872. [ing eastward 6:43 4:45 

10 Sun. at the rate of 300 miles per minute 6:44 4:44 

11 Mon. and snow will fall on said day to 6:45 4:42 

12 Tues. an average depth of 10 feet on the 6:47 4:41 

13 Wied. level. The Republican party en- 6:48 4:40 

14 Thurs. route for the the Capitol, will be 6:49 4:40 

15 Fri. snowed under at a distance of 6:51 4:39 

16 Sat. Oklahoma admitted 1907. [about 6:52 4:38 

17 Sun. 300 miles northwest of Washing- 6:53 4:37 

18 Mon. ton, D. C., so deep that St. Bern- 6:54 4:36 

19 Tues. ard dogs will be unable to locate 6:55 4:35 

20 Wed. it. About the 7th of the month 6:57 4:35 

21 Thurs. warm balmy breezes will com- 6:58 4:34 

22 Fri. mence to blow from the south, and 6:59 4:33 

23 Sat. and a warm general rain will fall 7:00 4:33 

24 Sun. on the 9th and the snow will thus 7:02 4:32 

25 Mon. all be melted off very rapidly. 7:03 4:32 

26 Tues. There will not be any high waters 7:04 4:31 

27 Wed. as a result, as might be expected, 7:05 4:31 

28 Thurs. Washington Irving died 1859. 7:06 4:30 

29 Wed. [as the ground will soak up mast 7:07 4:30 

39 Sat. of the water owing to the dried up 

heated condition of the earth,caused by the 
the hot winds and weather of previous 
months. When the snow thus melts off 
the bodies of those Republicans who per- 




HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 113 


ishei in the Blizer-do-snow-or-ni-mus, 
will be all found, and it will be the duty 
of all good Democrats to stop shucking 
corn for a few days, and give said remains 
a decent burial with fitting ceremonies. 

Good clear weather the rest of this month 
with temperature just right for corn 
shucking. 7:08 4:29 

Many men spend their lives trying to corner the earth, 
and in the end succeed in cornering only about seven feet 
of it. 

The Sign Sagittarius, Sign of the thighs, begins Nov¬ 
ember 25th at 1:12 a. m. and ends December 22nd at 12:35 
p m. 

This sign causes diseases of the thighs and any per¬ 
son or party, who, or which is not sound, will become af¬ 
flicted with various diseases of the thighs during this 
sign. During this sign, Republican office holders will 
suffer discomforture and great pain, with a di¬ 
sease commonly known as the Sag-a-git-ts, which al¬ 
ways attacks people in the left thigh. This disease is 
usually accompanied with shooting pains in the left thigh, 
which extend throughout the nervous system. The left 
thigh begins to shrivel up, and shorten up, and the victim 
begins to sag over to the left side and keep« on sagging, 
until he falls over on his left side, when he flumicks, and 
kicks, and croaks, and dies. 

Another disease which will during said sign be preva¬ 
lent among bloated plutocrats and Republican political 
pap suckers, is Rickets of the thighs. This dis¬ 
ease attacks the bone,3 of the thighs in both legs, and 
the bones of the thighs become soft like the bones of a 
• hog does, when you put the partly boiled ham of a hog 
in strong lye to make soft soap. The bones of the thighs, 
having become soft, have no sustaining power and said 
plutocrats and political pap .suckers will no longer be 
able to stand up on their pins and will become practically 
helpless and will no longer be able to terrorize and bull¬ 
doze the common people. 





114 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


A. B. Stevens, of Sioux City, Iowa, writes: “I was a 
strong Progressive Republican. Believed that when the 
Republican party at its National Convention in 1908 wrote 

its platform and nominated Taft, it had stolen all the 
good thunder and Democratic principles which the Demo¬ 
cratic party and W. J. Bryan had owned, and believed the 
Republican party would enact those principles into laws. 

I felt as happy as an old maid does when she get.s a solid 
fellow. My cup of joy was full when Taft was elected. I 
felt absolutely sure that I was going to get the full bene¬ 
fit of the blessings of Democratic principles without hav¬ 
ing to be classed as a turncoat, in other words without be¬ 
coming a Democrat. When Taft called the extraordinary ses¬ 
sion of congres, soon after his inauguration, I ijold my wife 
and neighbors that we would soon get rid of the burdens 
of the high protective tariff and we could lay up some 
money. When Dolliver turned a double summersault and 
landed .square on his feet in the midst of the Progressive 
camp, I was tickled like a boy is when he gets his first 
pair of pants, but when Aldrich preached in the senate, 
that the word Revised (as used in the tariff plank of the plat¬ 
form of the Republican party) did not mean Reduce or 
Reduced, and a vote of a majority of the Republican Sena¬ 
tors on various schedules, showed that they were of the 
.same opinion that Aldrich was, in regard to the meaning 
of the word Revised, I took a sinking chill and felt about 
the same as I did when my first sweet-heart gave me the 
mitten, and later on when they finally passed the tariff 
measure increasing the tariff instead of reducing it, and 
Taft put his O. K. to it, I felt about as I did when the 
other fellow married her. I practically lc.st my appetite. 
Had no relish for what little food I did take, could 
not sleep much and what little sleep I did take was dis¬ 
turbed with hideous dreams and nightmare. I grew despond¬ 
ent and had gloomy forbodings of the future. I called in the 
family physician, and after he diagnosed my case, he said 
I was suffering with chronic indigestion. He said I had 
taken something indigestible into my stomach, or was 
worrying over some great trouble. He told me my case 
was incurable and that I had better see my lawyer and 




HANLEY'S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 115 


settle my affairs and prepare for the worst. A Democratic 
friend of mine in Dubuque, learning of my deplorable con¬ 
dition of health, sent me by mail, one full treatment of 
your Revised Political Primer, and I took the same accord¬ 
ing to directions, and it quickly restored me to perfect 
health. It removed the scales from my eyes so that I 
could se the Republican party in all its hideousness, and 
1 have become a full fledged Democrat and will vote the 
Democratic ticket the remainder of my days. 

Enclosed please find money order for $3.00, for which 
please send me by mail, a dozen more packages of your 
Political Primer. I want to send them through the mails 
to friends of mine who are troubled with chronic indiges¬ 
tion.” 

LATITUDE OF BOSTON, NEW YORK STATE, IOWA 



AND NEBRASKA, 




December, 1912. 




SUN RISES 

SUN 

SETS 

1 

Sun. 

7:09 

4:29 

2 

Mon. Clear weather with the temperature 

7:10 

4:28 


a few degrees above zero remaining 

7:11 

4:28 

3 

Tues. about the same during the first 

7:12 

4:28 

4 

Wed. 



5 

Thurs. week of this month. 

7:13 

4:28 

6 

Fri. St. Nicholas. 

7:14 

4:28 

'7 

Sat. Turns cloudy followed by 

7:15 

4: 28 

8 

Sun. Immaculate conception. 

7:16 

4:28 

9 

Mon. Ft. Sumpter bombarded, 1863. [snow 

7:17 

4:28 

10 

Tues. Peace treaty signed, 1898. [in 

7:18 

4:28 

11 

Wed. most of the northern states. 

7:19 

4:28 

12 

Thurs. The snow fall will be about 

7:20 

4:28 

13 

Fri. right to make fine sledding an the 

7:21 

4:28 

14 

Sat. temperature will be steady, re- 

7:21 

4:28 

15 

Sun. maining about zero, except a 

7 :"22 

4:29 

16 

Mon. few hours in the middle of each 

7:23 

4:29 

17 

Tues. day when it will rise higher but 

7:23 

4:29 

18 

Wed. -not enough to melt the snow 

7:24 

4:29 




116 HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


19 Thurs. Ideal winter weather. 7:25 4:30 

20 Fri. 7:26 4:30 

21 Sat. St. Thomas. [A little more snow 7:26 4:31 

22 Sun. Winter begins, [will fall about this 7:26 4:31 

23 Mon. time, and the sleighing for Christ- 7:27 4:32 

24 Tues. mas will be excellent. 7:27 4:32 

25 Wed. Chrisma»s day. [On Xmas morning 7:28 4:33 

26 Thurs. St. Stephen, [the angels will 7:28 4:34 

27 Fri. St. John, Evangelist, [sing, “Glory 7:29 4:34 

28 Sat. be to God on high, and on earth, 7:29 4:35 

29 Sun. peace to men of good will.” 7:29 4:36 

30' Mon. Iriquois theatre fire, 1903. 7:29 4:36 

31 Tries. Fine winter weather. 7:30 4:37 

The greatest wives in the world are the wives who 
give birth to as many children as God sees fit to give 
them. 



HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 


117 


PUBLIC SALE OF G. 0. P. 

Having dissolved partnership with one Theodore Roose¬ 
velt and the Progressive Republicans and our health being 
bad, and our lease with Uncle Sam, having practically ex¬ 
pired, and having decided to quit the business, and retire 
to private life, we, the undersigned, will offer at public 
sale at our residence, at the Capitol at Washington, D. C., 
commencing the 4th day of March, 1913, the following 
described property, to-wit: — 

One Elephant which we recently bought from Ring- 
ling Brothers. 

One Elephant hide, the same being the hide of our old 
Elephant which was killed in the Roosevelt conspiracy. 

One Republican platform, the same being somewhat 
rotten. 

One Roosevelt Conspiracy. 

Cne Big Stick. 

One empty full dinner pail. 

One Republican Machine,, the same not being in very 
good working order, and needing some repairs. 

One Steam Roller, good as new. 

One financial system. 

Fifty million Teddy Bear skins, which we still have on 
our hands. 

One Aldrich-Payne Tariff Bill Molding Machine. 

One cage of Lions which Teddy gave us be fore he 
bolted, and other articles too numerous to mention. 

One Republican Nationl Committee. 

TERMS OF SALE—Cash. 

TAFT & WALL STREET, Auctioneers. 

ROCKEFELLER & MORGAN, Clerks. 

G. O. P., Owners. 




Ii8 HANLEWS REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER, 


HANLEY’S REVISED POLITICAL PRIMER. 

Popular Edition Price 25 Cents Per Copy. Better Paper, 

Sewed Cover, Two Colors, 50 Cents. Cloth Cover, 
$1.00. Leather Cover, $1.50. 

Every Democrat who is interested in the succes of the 
Principles of Jefferson, Jackson and Bryan, should order a 
dozen of those Primers at once, and should then sell them 
to Democrats: who have not the book or my address. 

You can also sell them to Progressive Republicans and 
also to StahdpattOrs. They will all read this book, and it 
will convert them to the Democratic faith if they are 
honest. 

I have put the Primer down to the lowest possible 
price «it which I can afford to sell it, 25 cents for the popu- 1 
lar edition, so that it may come into the hands of as many 
Voters as possible. 

Do a little missionary work yourself, and order a doz-^ 
en of those Primers today, and isell them to the people. 

You will have no trouble in selling them. They go like 
hot cakes. Address all orders to Peter J. Hanley, Attorney 
‘-At-Law, Washington, Iowa. Remit with order. 



INDEX. 


PAGES 


Preface . 7 

Political Alphabet . 9 to 13 inc. 

Lesson One, Lafollette and Teddy .14 

Lesson Two, The Lark .14 

Lesson Three, Original Notice .15 

Lesson Four, Teddy and His Little Bear .16 

Lesson Five, The Octopus and The Guy .17 

Almanac Begins, Table of Eclipses.18 


Lesson Six, Laboring Man vs. G. 0. P. Divorce. .19 to 23 inc. 
Three Signs of Zodiac, Capricornus .sign of 
the knees, Aquarius, sign of the legs; and 
Pisces, .sign of the feet, and testimonial of J. 


H. Vaughn . 27 to 29 inc. 

Lesson Seven, Muzzling the Press . 24 to 27 inc. 

January and February . 27 to 30 inc. 

Lesson Eight, Tariff by Ike and Jake . 32 to 35 inc. 

March and April . 35 to 38 inc. 

Two sign.s of the Zodiac and a testimonial of 

E. J. Hicks, of Rushville, Ind. 36 to 39 inc. 

Lesson Nine, Uncle Sam and Si Perkins.40 to 46 inc. 

Lesson Ten, Teddy’s .soliloquies, after hearing 

from the Ohio primaries .47 to 53 inc. 

Two Signs of the Zodiac, Gemini and Cancer 

and testimonial of C. J. Schmidt . 53 to 55 inc. 

May and June . 55 to 57 inc. 

Lesson Eleven, Taft’s .soliloquies, after all the 
Delegates to the Chicago Convention had 
been elected .58 to 64 inc. 


Indictment of President Taft and the Republi¬ 
can National Committee, by Roosevelt . . 65 to 74 inc. 

Lesson Thirteen, Mike O’Reilley and Pat Casey 
on the Baltimore Convention and Current 
Politic ,3 . 75 to 80 inc. 

Lesson Fourteen, Taft’s Soliloquies Con’d. . . 81 to 83 inc. 

Lesson Fifteen, Teddy’,s soliloquies, con’d. 84 to 87 

Lesson Sixteen, Show Bill of Teddy’s Wild East 

African Show, and Cow Boy Side Show . . 88 to 91 inc. 

One Sign of the Zodiac, Leo, sign of the heart, 
and testimonial of W. F. Barker, a strong 
Progressive Republican, of Des Moines, la. 
























SEP 10 1912 


PAGES 


.91 to 92 inc. 

One Sign of the Zodiac, the Sign of Virgo, sign 
of the bowels, and testimonial of S. W. 

Grear, a strong Progressive Republican, of 

Council Bluffs . 94 and 95 

July and August .93 to 96 inc. 

The Count and Millionaire’s Daughter . 97 to 98 inc. 

The Child’s Inquiry . 99 to 101 inc. 

Lesson Nineteen, An Ode to Sale of G. O. P. .. 101 and 102 
Mike O’Reilley and Pat Casey on the Bull Moose 

Convention . 103 to 105 inc. 

September and October . 106 to 109 inc. 

One of the Signs of the Zodiac, the Sign Libra, 

Sign of the Reins, and a testimonial of T. 

B. Hicks, a strong Progressive Republican, 

of Hastings, Nebr. 107 to 108 

One Sign of the Zodiac, the Sign Scorpio, and 
a testimonial of A. W. Cooper, a strong 
Progressive Republican of Fondulac, Wis. .. 

. 109 to 111 inc. 

One Sign of Zodiac, Sagittarius, and a testimo¬ 
nial of A. B. Stevens, strong Progressive .... 
. 113 to 115 inc. 


November and December, . 112 to 116 inc. 

Public Sale of G. O. P. 117 


Author’s Address and price of Hanley’s Re¬ 
vised Political Primer . 118 

















LIBRARY of 


CONGRESS 


0 033 255 004 4 


A Modern Contrivance invented 
to Show Reformers Where 
to Get Off. 


ik 









































































